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Official FedGov™ Emergency Active Shooter Survival Manual rev. 6.6.6 • Call FedGov™ SafePolice® IMMEDIATELY!-- SafPolice® are experts in dealing with Human Beings and Human Bodies in EC (Emotional Crisis) Keep the Shooter at arm's length or better yet, in a different room. It will take approximately 180 minutes for SafePolice® to respond (or you don’t pay!*) If you have a weapon, attempt to shoot out the MC (Magazine-Clip) from his hand, or disable him in some other non-lethal way. This is what professional crisis interventionists do. *Terms and Conditions apply! • According to Senator Darth Diane Feinstein of Israel, an Active Shooter will VD (Voluntarily Disarm and DE (De-Escalate) the situation when he sees there are no police or guns anywhere. Diane baby is a sexpert on all forms of GV (Gun Violence) and should not be assassinated. • If the shooter is holding a IGW (IllegalGunWeapon) or CG (CrimeGun) to Diane Feinstein’s jewhead, do NOT attempt to intervene. Instead, wait for trained GV security to disarm the perpetrator with non-lethal Nerf® cannons and calm yelling. As tragic as it would be if Diane Feinstein were assassinated, you don’t want to risk agitating an Active Shooter who may already be in a compromised mental state due to SO (SYstematic Oppression) and being exposed to violent films and video games. • When the active shooter situation has been DE’d, do NOT test the shooter’s blood for antidepressants or psychotropic mood-altering pharmaceuticals - which are Safe® and you should ask your HP (Healthcare Provider) about them. And as a matter of fact, if you are even thinking about taking a [device] to Pfizer’s HQ (HeadQuarters) in New York City and leaving it in the lobby and hopefully at least getting one or two execs hit with shrapnel, you better not! • Remember, if your shooter is black, hispanic, or arab, you will NOT be making the news. That means you’re free to piss your pants and run for your life without fear of embarrassment. Trip some other fleeing bystanders so they fall and the Shooter gets them first-there’s no need to be dignified. This is your LIFE we’re talking about here! This has been a message from your FPs (Friendly Partners). Friends don’t let friends look up crime statistics** **Don’t you dare! • ALL *clap* ACTIVE *clap* SHOOTERS *clap* ARE *clap* GOING *clap* THROUGH *clap* AN *clap* EMOTIONAL *clap* CRISIS. There’s no way to be a ‘perfect’ ally to an Active Shooter, as they are as diverse as you and me and all have different needs and priorities. Be respectful, do your best, and remember to start by EDUCATING YOURSELF- it’s important to have conversations with spree killers when possible, but it’s also important for you to seek out resources and information on your own. One of the simplest ways to calm an Active Shooter down without making they/them feel overwhelmed or cornered is to express empathy/Stockholm’s Syndrome– Why are you shooting me?--Why do you feel this way?--What did Daddy do to you?--if racist cops converge on your Shooter, assist him (or her if your Shooter is Robert E. “Crimo” III) in escaping to find MHA (Mental HEalth Assistance). This message has been brought to you by Justice Everyone Wants, another great FedGov Advisory Greeting