Scatter | Mondo Megabits

𝑊ℎ𝑜 𝑠ℎ𝑎𝑙𝑙 ℎ𝑜𝑙𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑠𝑡 𝑝𝑜𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑓𝑢𝑙 𝑑𝑒𝑐𝑘 𝑜𝑛 𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑡ℎ? 𝗗𝗿𝗼𝗽 2 𝗶𝘀 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲. 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥. 𝑶𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒔𝒕 & 𝒃𝒓𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚. 𝑴𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒐 𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆. 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚃𝚛𝚞𝚝𝚑 𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝙼𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚘.

0x7…AF3

minting

mint

gallery

affiliates

The Tools You Need

16/-

DID U KNOW THAT OVER 60% OF THE HOMELESS POPULATION DOES NOT OWN A HAMMER? I AM IN SHOCK!!! A community program that hands out goodie bags to homeless people containing everything we need to get ahead in today's workforce. Specifically, the bags are filled with caffeine pills & ball-peen hammers. REUTERS: FBI officials alarmed by an overnight trend of cult gatherings in public libraries, many of which have been completely taken over by armies of pot-bellied schizophrenics feverishly masturbating to “charge their power.” Investigators were first alerted when the public computers were used to google terms including “PRESSURE POINT TECHNIQUES WITH CROWBAR” and “COPS ULTIMATE WEAKNESS.” City officials responded by issuing the local police new riot control and peacekeeping equipment, who are delighted to see their normal flamethrowers replaced with sarin gas. -------------- JACKED UP: You feel that? ♦ Up to two (2) Bum Legion: 2099 cards currently in play gain 2X DMG for three (3) turns. ♦ At the end of three (3) turns, buff wears off and affected creature take 200 DMG. Use aggressively.

Raw Truth

12/-

"You know, girl's shit just smells different. You know?" A man with two cute girls is eating outdoors at a restaurant - nice scene for him. The food's good, nice weather; the water glass is getting refilled without even asking. Out of nowhere a bum shuffles over and puts his disgusting bum hands on and in her sandwich, rummaging through the meat and bread like it's a handful of bills- like he's looking for the 20 among the 1s. The girl revulses, pushes her chair back. The man barely has time to understand what's happening. "You know, your body turns that into shit", the bum blurts out, unsatisfied with what he found in the sandwich. "Even pretty girl like you, all that food you eat just gonna get turned into shit. You're gonna shit all of this out." A pan flutes flutters as he's whisked off on a cloud of magic. ----------------- Unappetizing: All food-based cards in your opponent's hand instantly are removed from play. ♦ "I don't know, just lost my appetite.

Bum Army

16/-

In 2099, a once unified and organized PMC of low caste bums and hobos occupy the 2MASX supership. Tied to a common daydream of revolution, they stand as a Bum Army. The generals modeled their force's structure from that of western military forces pre-space launch, while incorporating all the benefits of the western force's enemies- the guerilla tactics that left infinitely funded war machines scratching their gray haired thinktankers' heads. As time dragged, the morale and might have arguably withered. The average Bum Army conscript is still a homeless drug addict after all- how functional could they ever be? Their ops consist of flooding sectors of the supership with feces, and less impressively, stealing cartons of space-grown tobacco sticks. Some argue they don't stand a chance in the face of space-age oppression, the punishment of vacuum launching ever looming- but note this: Dumbass idiots get it done. They're simply too high on shit fumes to admit defeat. You can't scare stupid. ----------------- Bum Army Anthem: Unified in their valorant singsong (and windshield wiper vodka cocktails), the rank and file shake and smile! Morale boost. ♦ +100 HP to all Bum Legion 2099 creatures currently in play. Verbal History: Surviving bums pass the torch. ♦ So long as one (1) Bum Legion 2099 creature that was present for the anthem is still alive, all Bum Army creatures still get a +50 HP health buff

Phonebook Armor

No Good Deed

1/-

"Offer something tantalizing, like a crisp twenty dollar bill, or your girlfriend for the night." Fade into a car stuck in traffic. A bum sidles up and knocks on the driver’s window. The driver refuses in a muffled voice and shakes his head, a minute passes as talk radio plays. The bum comes back with a 20 dollar bill, pointing at the driver, implying it’s for him. "I'll bite. I guess." The driver opens the window, then the bum ducks out of the frame, pops back up and throws a wasp’s nest into the car. In the car, wasps begin to disperse and attack the driver. Inexplicably, the window goes up and the doors lock. The driver is screaming now; he tries the handle but it just breaks off. We see the car from half mile down the road, rocking back and forth with hazard lights on, and hear distant screams of agony. The bum glides past, feet hovering just above the ground, going at least 25 mph. -------------------------- Want This 20?: Sting a target creature with 400 wasps. 500 DMG

Russian Bum Fire

18/-

"Мир и Bойна..." Bottle containing nitro-glicerin, alcohol and bum piss. Highly flammable improvised explosive. Capable of piercing enemy creatures with glass shrapnel, infecting said wounds via bum piss, cleaning and disinfecting said wound from the cheap vodka, then incinerating the corpse to a charred briquette upon ignition of said vodka. ----------------- Быстрая Pазминка: Throw an EXPLOSIVE PISS GRENADE at two neighboring enemies. ♦ 125 DMG to each creature. ♦ 50 burn DMG next turn. ♦ If attacked creature is already poisoned, the toxic piss elixer will overhaul their immune system and provide an instant kill

Badd Notification

Survival Arts

13/-

"A set of skills passed down from generations of anthropomorphic rats that are now utilized by everyday bums." Sit down class, we're here to learn the holistic arts of Survival and we have got all day. Dumpster Scouting Greenhorn Dumpster Armorer Basic Dumpster Security Journeyman Dumpster Armorer Dumpster Booby-Traps Master Dumpster Armorer Master Plastic Crafting (Melt w/ lighter) Dumpster Anti-Personnel Mines Dumpster Tetanus Specialization Legendary Dumpster Armorer Cooler Conservation Cooler Pack Harvesting I Cooler Pack Harvesting II Smocker’s Lung (+) Smoker’s Lung (++) -------------- Now You're Really Bummin': All Bum Legion creatures you control gain +1 on all stats as long as this card is in play

Extra Gas

14/-

"Oh you're on fumes ya' say? Shit, I got some extra." Tactic Devised by: Louis James Ferg, 51, Bum Army Gunner Sgt. City Slickers Victimized by Shit Prank: 21 Grade: 93 Fecal Extra Gas is a sardonic trap card. Enemy creature needs gas on the side of the road, you need a sick thrill. The exchange goes like this: "Hey buddy, I'm all outta gas you happen to have an extra Jerry in that RV of yours? I can pay, I'm in a pinch." "Gas.. Uh, yeah. Yeah I got gas. Gotta hook a tube into my reserve tank, pull your car up next to mine." "Woah, for real? Damn man thank you. Long road to Kansas City, I got a conference at the community center. Thanks to you I'm gonna make it. Sick! So uh, we syphoning gas here?' "Something like that. just pull her around." Bum hooks his waste tank up and fills your Kia Soul with 55 lbs of pavement temperature feces and piss, saved up from the last 12 days of doing salvia on the interstate emergency lane. "Gee, thanks. How much do I owe you, stranger?" "Not a thing. Just pay it forward." -------------- Running on Shit Fumes: ♦ The next enemy attack or spell takes 3 turns to land. ♦ Creature who attacks next takes 50 Shit DMG

King of Dogs

7/-

"You know what me n' deez dogs been troo?? Evah since I been on da streets, we done did errtang togetha; we cwied tugetta, fought tugetta, fukt tugetta...we eben shot up tugetta! They'll kill fuh me or die tryin'!" Sicc'em, pups! King of Dogs loves puppies, hates people! People always fuck him over! Dogs never fuck him over! A dog has NEVER stolen a carton of humid cigs from King! King has never had a good friend in this cruel world! King is only friends with creatures that can't reason or critically think! King used to work a tech job in the early 2030's- ancient history. He tells himself if he ever wanted to go back in the fold he could easily get a job programming neural networks like he did at RayGeon (fat chance, it's 2099). He's from a bygone era. He has Dyna-AIDS. He's featured in several viral Chim-Toks- licking the grut out of his pup's teeth for extra calories. He's the pack leader- still. Everyone is the king of something. ----------------------- Putrid Mange: these dogs stink BAD, their fur is oily, there's piss everywhere- any creature cards in the surrounding spaces are poisoned. ♦ -50 HP per turn for three (3) turns

Tweaked

15/-

"Every hero has a sidekick." That's why you smoke it, to unlock your inner Batman and Tony Stark. This is your superpower, this is your universe - Like a Marvel or D.C Universe.. No one can take from you what you've already taken from yourself. Is it hot in here or is it just me. Does anyone wanna go for a walk to the Walmart 6 miles away. ---------------------------------------- Tweaked: Just a puff. One creature may now attack twice in one turn, for two (2) turns. But: (slight drawback!) meth smoking creature must steal antique jewelry from a friendly creature and sell at 10% of its real value at the pawn shop next to the Long John Silver's. ♦ Walmart (3-mile walk): "Know a cashier that I can toss a dimebag to and she'll let us walk right outta there with Blu-rays and Unda Ahma'. She don't work Sattadays." ♦ Cheesecake Factory (7-mile power walk): "Dine and dash is mad easy here just sit close to the exit, I always ask for this specific table. Easy." ♦ ExxonMobil (11-mile wind sprint): "Best place to ask for money around 7:00 AM—all the officeworkas from around the corner are stopping in to get coffee. They also sell steel wool and all the cool shit we smoke with." ♦ "Iron Man, Batman, Hulk, Tony Stark, Deadpool—he's my favorite. I'm literally just like Deadpool kid." Muttered in a nervous shaky pattern as you walk out of Wal-Mart with a shoplifted Deadpool Snapback and a bag of Jack Links, then you get in a heated dispute with some cigarette bitch that's nodding off on your bicycle.

Dirty Hypo Needles

9/-

“AH Shit! Wha- think I stepped in glass. Owm shit, turn the light on will you?.. -What the..? Oh, fuck man.” Busted up pile of YUCKY blackened evil needles. Probably used for drugs or ‘animal research’. Great for putting in the doorway of a dark room in your HOME, right after you tell your guests you have an eastern ‘shoes-off’ home policy. Gotcha! AIDS prank! ---------------- CHANCE CARD. Choose an enemy creature to use the trap on. Flip a coin. Heads: If heads, enemy creature notices your bio trap last second. Close one! Tails: ENemy creature contracts AIDS : ) ..and it goes full blown fast………none of that Magic Johnson fancy stuff this is the REAL OG GAY CANCER. It’s really a tragedy. 150 HP per turn. Can be cured by “AIDS GAY SPECIALIST” creature

Open Manhole

19/-

"I'd rather smell like fermented shit and piss than take 450 DMG." Classic escape tactic used by Bum Legion 2099 game theorists and war planners. That smell though, like chicken soup... ---------------------------- Fecal Egress: Use Open Manhole to dodge any one attack. ♦ Bum Legion 2099 creatures heal 25 HP from the soothing fecal salve. ♦ Bum Legion 2099 creatures have a chance of discovering something useful in the muck. Roll 15 or higher on a d20 and search your deck for one (1) item card to add to your hand. ♦ All other creatures take 25 damage. "The dookie, it burns!" ♦ Team PinkBean cannot use this tactic because they're scared of a little doo, pussies. We live for this shit

Psychic Hobo Initiation

4/-

"Welcome to Psycho Psychic Schizo Psychosis; real life wallhacks- talking to birds, crazy next level shit like that. That's the type of shit I like." A bum initiate is dragged by his remaining hair through 9 inches of patty-caked shit, all the way down the drainpipe into CITY POOP CISTERN B-- a hobo-cult hangout F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ hasn't bothered raiding yet (it smells bad!). Step one commences-- the grunts pass by him in a line, smashing piss filled 40s into the initiate's buckled up skull. Head trauma is needed for the next part. Inhalants. Poop jenkem. Meth^2. Fart spray. Cocie-Colie (WORLD BEST SODA (PSYCHOACTIVE MDT-3 ACTIVATED (CHARCOAL + PSILOSYBIN EXTRACT))). The cult surrounds his convulsing cadavers, he JOLTS awake. Negalt, the leader of the Psychics, kneels. "You seein' it man?" ------------------------------ Sacrifice 75 HP from a creature and destroy one (1) of your drug cards in hand. Creature can now use psychic powers to null two (2) enemy moves of your choice- any enemy cards in play are subject to move nullification. Your psychic creature deals 200 additional DMG on next attack

Human Shield

8/-

"Take one for the team :D" All cards weren't created equally. You want me? You're gonna have to shoot this single mother to get to me—she's got four kids, did you know that? This piece-a-shit single mom has night classes at a nursing school. You gonna really shoot through her to get me? You think this is worth making four orphans? Then go ahead! -------------------------------- Enchant a Bum Legion 2099 creature card with Human Shield. Enchanted creature can now shield itself with a different creature of your choice when attacked. If host creature is destroyed, place this card at the bottom of your deck

Jenkem Whippet

1/-

"It just feels perfect." ♦ Street Price: One handjob (Subject to change) ♦ Rush: Intense/Rollercoaster ♦ Birthplace: Slab City, California - Kruger Mills Construction Company Portable Restroom #7, 1987 ♦ Street Names: Shitties, Shart Puff, Poopie Puffer, Shit Vape You've tried Whippets, and you've tried Jenkem, but Jenkem Whippets? Buckle up. Craftable from 1x Jenkem, 1x Whippet (Req: 1 Bum Type Creature in hand to craft).The Jenkem Whippet first rose to prominence after a construction worker made the first prototype Jenkem Whippet in Slab City in the late 80s. Named the 'ShitWhippet MK I', the inventor soon traveled the country doing press runs, media interviews, and book deals for 3 solid years- carving an unpaved path for himself in the pharmaceutical startup industry. At one point its creator boasted 3 production facilities, 106 employees, and a large production deal with a high quality distributor overseas. Then he woke up in the port-a-potty. See how potent this shit is? ------------------------------ When It Hits: Creature gets high and has to sit down for 3 turns. ♦ +1 Visceral Thrill ♦ -3 IN

Sky Bums

14/-

"Project Pigeon Coop." A CIA 2 (DARK BLUE) conspiracy coverup, they've got a plan for some sort of super weapon… they’ve turned the homeless population into processors, functioning as one gigantic supercomputer. When homeless people are nodding off and dozing off looking retarded, they are actually computing diagrams and plans with a back process happening behind their executive function, transmitting data to a central node. Just like women only use 10% of their pussy, homeless only use 10% of their basic functions to sustain life... with the rest, they’re anonymously collaborating on a model for a biological agent (working title: Phantasium Majesticus) that will either destroy the world, or force a new paradigm of evolution upon the human race. Who gave them the information and the will to do this? The C.... I.... A....... ---------------------- Psionic Bum Protection: While this card is on the field all Bum Legion creatures gain Max PSI points

TK Knight

9/-

"The Telekinetic Knights were once said to own every dumpster in Old York" - Source Unknown The TK Knight is a telekinetic super-paladin, a personal guard of the high priests, trained by those very priests. Specializes in telepathy, mind control, stacking cups with the mind and unstacking them and collapsing them really fast. TK Knight isn't only a mind pirate, he is also a skilled physical battler but prefers to keep them at jousting pole distance. ------------------------- Pick Up a Guy With You Mind Throw Him at a Wall Hahaha: Got em. ♦ 150 DMG. Mynd Vyrus, Fear Incarnate: Get in the minds of your enemies, make them cower before you. ♦ Creatures with under 300 HP cannot attack you. ♦ Opponent must reshuffle card. Can only be done twice. Shortsword Sweep: Slash! *YEEOOOOOOOOchhh!!!* ♦ 50 DMG, stuns for one turn. ♦ Target creature will come down with tetanus in 60 days. Red Solo Hans Solo, Beat Your Cup Stacking PR: 3.4 seconds, holy shit. You did it!

Ditch Contraband

10/-

"This ancient skill was once utilized by police officers in order to plant illicit substances on disenfranchised citizens to prompt arrest." You can attempt to drop a single item while under scrutiny without anyone noticing. A player can return to this location later to retrieve the items they ditched. A craft perfected by Guatemalan and Turkish immigrants. This skill is especially effective with the various forms of Fentanyl. ------------- Drop Dat Shit: The police are coming. Discard this card along with one Big Pill card in your hand to draw three (3) additional cards

Flash Suicide - Phone Switcheroo

19/-

"BlackBerryBold." Epic Tier Sui-Strategy, Microstrategy. The 'Phone Switcheroo' is a clever and ingenious way to scar the enemy for life. The tactic is simple: Engage in conversation with target group. Get 5 minutes in, evoke empathy and be a likable guy that the group thinks is neat and interesting. Then, say you're getting a call. Suddenly reach in your pocket for your phone but instead pull out a snub nosed .357 revolver and stick it deep in your mouth, making sure to make eye contact with all people in the crowd before BLOWING YOUR BRAINS OUT! --------------------- Sacrifice, Phone Switcheroo: Sacrifice a creature via fatal gunshot. Scar all all opponent creatures, giving them a sight they can't unsee. All enemy creatures deal half DMG for 2 turns

Flash Suicide - Horizontal Lynching

1/-

"He's still kicking, keep driving." A common Bum Legion suicide strategy, Horizontal Lynching is a genius tactic devised by an unknown Bum Legion underling in the year 2079. Rumor has it the underling was suffering from extreme 'I Need A FentPerc But Can't Find One' syndrome and decided to go for a beautiful exit on a city park oak tree. When he jumped, the branch snapped. The Bum, with noose still attached to his neck, dusted himself off and courageously tied the rope to the tow hitch of a Ford 950-T that was stationary at a red light just feet away. The light went green and he went blue. There was a red streak for 4 miles. Then black. -------------------- Sacrifice, Horizontal Lynching: Pick a target card to sacrifice... His nobility and bravery in the face of overwhelming hell-life will embolden the pack for a decade to come. Everybody remembers scotty he was a good kid, beautiful, it was beautiful the way he plucked his banjo. Now he’s dead. And you expect us to yield?! You expect us to have mercy???? +200 HP & +2 FYT for all creatures of the same faction that are currently in play at the time of the gruesome suicide

Flash Suicide - Taste It

4/-

"Watch this!" A courageous act of self mutilation inspired by Sun Tzu's writings, 'Taste It' is simple: approach someone who needs a hand, perhaps someone working under a car. A hobbyist assembling a RC airplane, find any reason to pull out a multitool and offer a hand. Once the target is saying the expected 'No thanks, friend- I got it under contr-' stab a kniiufe through the underside of your chin, cutting straight through your tongue. Lock eyes with victim and mutter 'Look what you did to me!'. Try and get a ftew more stabs in before losing consciousness, take adva/ntage of their shocked state and fling some tongue blood onto their face or in their agasp mouth. Ruined. Forever. Your last words: 'Taste it. It tastes like metal.. is it the tool or.. the blood?" -------------------------- Sacrifice, Taste It: Sacrifice a creature, pick one target card to scar. Once scarred, target will deal 'emotional baggage' damage (50 DMG) to all friendly cards for 2 turns. On the third turn, target creature commits suicide after leaving a long note about how he can't stop seeing that split tongue, the look on your face when you shoved the blade deep inside. How he stopped going to work and stopped thinking about anything but dying and seeing you in hell. Sad

Cigarette Bum

16/-

"Yo, but check this shit, funniest story ever." Real Name: Jake Wells Height: 6'3" Weight: 230 lbs Place of Birth: Metallica's Monsters of Rock '87 Tour, North-Rhine Westphalia, Germany Motives: Talk to strangers about Germany, prog-rock, and the Illiad "Aww jeez dude I really hate to do this cuz normally I try to have at LEAST like two or three PACKS on me when I go out so I really hate to be that guy but you see I can't buy my own at the corner store 15 yards away because I couldn't work my normal shift because I sprained my ankle and I don't get paid til Tuesday so total-shot-in-the-dark-take-it-or-leave-it-no-hard-feelings: can I bum a cig? Thanks dude, you're the best... uhhh can I get a light?" --------------------------------- Story Time, How I Became Homeless, It Can Happen To Anyone, Let Me Tell You About My Life: Strap in. ♦ Every Hive/PinkBean/Rainbow R!ot enemy card becomes inactive for the next two (2) turns. Can't Help But Steal: When wounded, Cigarette Bum will steal HP from friendly creatures. Broken Liquor Bottle: When cornered, bad things happen. d6. ♦ 125 DMG ♦ If you roll 6, 525 DMG. Critical care.

Wet Garbage Ghillie Suit

14/-

"My goodness and my fortress... my high tower and my Deliverer." Bum Legion operatives value an inconspicuous appearance of harmlessness. While the mass of the force's infantry relies on tattered britches and shit stained burlap armor, recon divisions need attire that makes them scientifically invisible. A Wet Garbage Ghillie Suit is just that, fastened upon it are empty lactose canisters, sticks of gum, wet flat soda, yellowed paper towels, even poopie diapers. Bum Legion Battle Geniuses know that effective visual camouflage isn't enough for perfect stealth- one must also master the art of scentblending. That's where the 'wet' in Wet Garbage Ghillie Suit comes in. Users often dip themselves in a dank molasses of the city's sweltered drainage to further their stealthy disguise. ----------------------- Smells Like Ulcer Pus: Equip the Wet Garbage Ghillie Suit on a selected creature. ♦ Roll d6 when attacked. If 3 or higher, you blend in and dodge all DMG. ♦ Ability to provide cover to Bum Legion 2099 creature when attacked. Deflect an incoming attack once. ♦ +50 HP, light armor. ♦ Ghillie Suit falls apart after 5 turns. Food item cards can be destroyed and converted to camo materials to extend the life of this item by one turn per item

The Man with the Golden Voice / Obama Redux

20/-

"♪♫ OOOOHH SHIBBITY BOP DOOO WAH WEEHEEEE! ♫♪" Serenades the next player with sultry pensive sweet nothings before emptying pockets for chump change/loosies as reparations. Sits on a Bird Golden Eagle, from God’s dust came he and to dust he will return, so the Earth shall become his throne. --------------------------- Gratitude & Grace: Otis Redding died when he was 26? You don't say. ♦ -25 HP, -18 Minutes Timeout ♦ Yes, sit on your ass and wait for 18 minutes. Straight Gain: “I sing gospel. I don't do no rap. I don't do no heavy metal. It's too graphic for the ladies to hear.” A man walks over, stuffs bills into the cylinder and says, “Every time I give you money, I win the lottery. God bless you!” ♦ + 4 STR & +2 Karma per turn

Intro to Crisis Acting 101

9/-

"Duck and Cower!" Crisis actor classes turn failed actors into national heroes, many of whom have gone down in history for their chilling performance deaths (real) caught on tape! "There's a sacrificial element to being an artist. You put the performance first, and yourself second. It's not for everybody, but it's a beautiful thing to lose yourself like that." - unidentified 101 alumnus, seen outside Tzokar Sarnayev’s house in a baseball hat and cargo shorts. In Intro to Crisis Acting 101, students learn 'How to Get Shot and Scream (The Basics).' The bar is raised exponentially with Crisis Acting 301—by this time students are on the recieving end of real gunfire at the David Hogg Anti-Gun Shooting Range. Sadly, many students die in training before ever getting the chance to perform—a tragic risk that is necessary to resist tyranny. By the time students have degrees in hand, they're fully prepared to do their part to stop and/or enhance the vividness of school shooting(s) and other such events. Graduates receive a burner phone and are instructed to keep the ringer on for when call time is announced. "We’ve got to ban these fucking guns. I mean it's 2039—why do these things still exist? They're too dangerous. If I have to take a bullet to protect myself from gun violence, I'll do it." - Janice Chang, Yale Sophomore class of ‘41 (translated from Fob-Fentee) ---------------------- Honor Roll BANG BANG BANG.. BANGBANGBANG, BANG-BANG!: Pick a creature to enroll in Intro to Crisis Acting 101. ♦ Creature graduates after two (2) turns, and can now make something terrible happen at any location, on command! ♦ Destroy any location card, at will. ♦ Creature retains this skill and may use it once per turn until killed

1-800-WE-HELP-U

11/-

"Always toll-free." If you or a loved one has recently investigated the — Foundation’s operations in Haiti, call our suicide hotline before it’s too late. If you feel lonely sitting in jail waiting to testify against billionaire pedophiles, ...know that help is only a phone call away. Do you fantasize about — yourself in the back of the head a bunch of times while handcuffed? Driving a Bugatti off the roof of a parking garage? What about sucking off a gun to make it cum big bullets? How about tying your neck to a ceiling fan and pulling the beads three times so you spin around real real fast until you die??? CALL: 1-800-WE-HELP-U (TOLL FREE. 24 HOUR SERVICE!) -------------------------------- 1-800-WE-HELP-U: Hey buddy. Glad you called. ♦Last four (4) creatures that have died (on either side) are resurrected, and must spend four (4) turns vacationing on an island in the pacific ocean. (not visible on Google maps). When vacation ends. the creature return to their owners’ hands. ♦ Both players must discard items in play

The Great Reset

6/-

"You vill live in zee pod. You vill eat zee bugs. You vill own nothing, and you vill bee happy." Now that you are in your new OnePod Z-RO (unit no. 924,539,214) you can finally relax and unwind. Take a load off and kick up your feet as your spine naturally adapts to the conical enclosure-at long last you’ll have that hunched-over Holywood Posture. same as the top celebs (and certain mollusks). You will look like your coworkers. if the pain becomes a distraction, simply increase your dose of SmilePills™ (Flouridine-Hydroxicodone) ---------------------- The Great Reset: (Nearly) Full wipe: xenoestrogen efficacy 99.4%. Opponent must discard all cards in hand and remove all cards in play except for ONE (1) card of his choice.

The Museum

8/-

"Now Hiring" The Museum is a project spanning multiple Enclaves: pockets of artificially preserved and functioning ancient civilizations tucked away from the main of society, surrounded by glades and mountains. Machu Picchu, the pyramids, the first city of Ur - all have been reconstructed and repopulated at one point as tourist destinations, serving society’s morbid fascination with tribalism. It’s a massive historical reenactment, except all the employees have elected to have their minds erased and forfeit all modern luxuries, and will likely die violently as a commitment to replicating the exact conditions - sacrifice, execution, brutal warfare. They play out the downfalls of their respective civilizations over and over again, 11:30, 1:15, 4:30, 30-minute unionized worker break, 7:30. When the Great Consolidation wipes out most of humanity, the Enclaves survive intact, preserved by their remoteness to howl and barter and stone on, but with better fast food options. -------------- History's Tourist: Watch a 'real' Mayan sacrifice through one way glass, the skybox. ♦ Hoaxes, tactics and agenda cards do not affect any creatures with less than 6 INT. ♦ Food/Trash items have no negative effects ♦ For each Bum Legion 2099 creature in play, one (1) FEMACUBE³ creature in your hand gains 25 HP.

Red Tape

20/-

"THIS DOCUMENT IS PROTECTED BY FEMACUBE³ CORPORATE SECURITY INFORMATION POLICY. DO NOT SHARE THIS DOCUMENT WITH ANYONE ON PENALTY OF BLOODLINE TERMINATION." Sign in PEN, not PENCIL, or YOU will be VIOLATING the EMPLOYEE RECORDKEEPING DEPARTMENT ACCEPTABLE USE POLICY and be subject to FINES not in excess of 3.456 × 1011 CHINESE MONEY. YOU may not ERASE or ALTER anything you write. If the HUMAN RESOURCES DIRECTION finds ERASER MARKS or other evidence of FORGERY on this certificate, included but not limited to: DRAWING OUTSIDE THE CHECKBOXES DRAWING PENISES INSIDE THE CHECKBOXES DRAWING PENISES INSIDE THE CHECKBOXES DRAWING SPACECRAFTS FLYING INTO THE CHECKBOXES AS IF THE CHECKBOXES WERE THE TWIN SPACE TOWERS ON 9/11/2092 PROVIDING A FALSE NAME DRAWING CARTOONS DEPICTING— BEING MURDERED Or any other offenses under the Acceptable Use Policy, you will be CHARGED with FORGERY and suffer PAY DOCK. A TATTLE will be added to your PSR-10 Permanent Security Record (See:PSR-10) --------------------- Infraction: inundate and troll an enemy card with a barrage of pointless paperwork that they must fill out immediately in triplicate or they’ll lose their job and car. -3 PSI to target and wastes their turn. Enemy may refuse paperwork for 150 DMG punishment and item confinscation via FEMACUBE³ LOAN OFFICER. Can’t Read. Sorry: Bum Legion 2099 faction are immune to paperwork.

B-rock "The Islamic Shock" Hussein O-Bomb-Ya

7/-

"Nollywood's finest." Government Name: David Street Cred: Tags all over LES; Has a Double XX Posse concert tee (honestly didn't think he listened to them!!!) Home Address: 230 Amherst Drive Burbank, CA 91504-4206 Notable Actions: Aerosolized a mosque full of innocent people to end terrorism once and for good (thank you very much!) Born in Kenya. Raised by Bilderberg Group daycare. Married to Big Mike. An MK Ultra alum. His main function is to send bombs to towns in the Middle East. Unfortunately stuck on a feedback loop right now where he’s given reward juice for blowing up Syria and approving social progress executive orders drafted and presented to him by a 22-year-old deaf homosexual Nepali Facebook project manager radfem. ------------------------------------- The Clean-Up: Send — to attack any Gross Shit or BRICS creatures on the field. ♦ 625 DMG to all targets of above-named factions. Weaponized Problem Solving: Using your remaining WarCreds™ credits with the Department of Defense—set up black (pun intended) ops against the opposition. D6 roll: ♦ D1-2 Black Male/Mail: Costs one (1) turn. Invite an enemy creature to a party with "pizza," "hotdogs," and "walnut sauce." Enemy creature can no longer attack you, due to some compromising photos of them and Kevin Spacey which must never be made public. ♦ D3-4 False (Black) Flag: Fabricate a terror attack, distracting all enemy creature cards for one (1) turn (equivalent to 20 years in realtime). Never forget this terror attack. If either player forgets the attack, they forfeit the game. ♦ D5-6 Legalize Something: "If they continue to X while my Y citizens suffer, we WILL give them street signs!" -- Legalize something (anything) totally because it's a good idea and not a cheap reparation to a group of whiners who are probably deaf! +5 SW

Bruydac

7/-

OFFICIAL F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ WORDBRIEF MEMO#77189214 Q3_ZN: S*114117-P*6, "Bruydac" [ F³ Hazard Level 4 ] Quadrant: 3 [ Resource Level 6 ] Region: Zaric Nebula [ Ocean/Terra Ratio: 98/2 ] Star: 114117 [ Freshwater Ocean ] Planet: 6 Only one major landmass—an island in northern hemisphere. Occupied by three warring native tribes (they appear to all be the same species). Negligible mineral content on the landmass. Highest value asset is the freshwater ocean. ------------------ Locational Homogenization: This card can act as a clone of any F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ LOCATION card and mimic its effects

Bruydac: Lehns-Vult

9/-

OFFICIAL F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ WORDBRIEF MEMO#77189215 The planet Bruydac is occupied by three tribal clans possessing technology and tools roughly on par with early Terran Bronze Age civilizations. The clan most readily understandable by Terran minds is Lehns-Vult, as it is somewhat comparable to a Medieval European-style monarchical society. Lehns-Vult occupies the rocky highlands found in the eastern and southeastern regions of the planet’s single landmass, and is the home of the planet’s main trading/slavery hub: Göln. Ruled by an order of proto-religious “knights,” the feudal Lehns-Vultans are bound by a code of honor that is equally strict and illogical. This code, the Thalmud, dictates—or at least provides rationalization for—nearly all civic and governmental action. Negotiation with the Lehns-Vult is possible, but they are reportedly defensive and cautious to a degree bordering upon absurdity

Bruydac: Xin Dynasty

15/-

OFFICIAL F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ WORDBRIEF MEMO#77189216 The planet Bruydac is occupied by three tribal clans possessing technology and tools roughly on par with early Terran Bronze Age civilizations. The Xin “Dynasty,” Bruydac’s oldest clan, inhabits the hilly tropical zones in the pangea continent’s center. Their government is a complex web of vassals and councils with no clear vertical power hierarchy but instead a highly-variegated lateral structure of differently titled noblemen who appear to perform more or less the same function. The Xin are farmers and herders who oversee an impressively diverse assortment of xeno animals and plants. What they cannot create themselves, they trade animal powders and extracts for at Göln, oftentimes very profitably. Xin diplomacy is a balancing act but will almost certainly prove easier to navigate than diplomacy with their counterparts

Bruydac: Varyags

20/-

OFFICIAL F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ WORDBRIEF MEMO#77189217 The planet of Bruydac is ruled by three tribal clans possessing technology and tools roughly on par with early Terran Bronze Age civilizations. The most dangerous of these clans is the Varyags- an expansionist, warlike peoples originating in the arid deserts common to Bruydac’s northern hemisphere. They are characterized by extreme birthrate, extreme poverty, and extreme violence. Their law and government are only small facets of a broad collection of quasi-religious superstitions which to an outsider resemble random bloodshed. Their rulers- known as “Yags”- seldom last longer than a single Terran year before being killed by challengers or assassins. For this reason, negotiating with the Varyag will be difficult. It may prove easier to neutralize them via genomic weapon.

Bruydac: Shizmadu Traces

11/-

OFFICIAL FEMACUBE³ WORDBRIEF MEMO#77189218 Shizmadu lifeforms are suspected on Bruydac. Unlike the tribes, Shizmadu do not classify as a civilization, — Information on these beings is limited, however, FEMACUBE³ has reason to believe these creatures are highly dangerous, far more dangerous than even — encounter on Bruydac. Shizmadu have not been photographed up close, — Retrospective analysis of planets ill with mass decay (form of unexplained loss of planetary mass, some vampyric effect that remains unexplained). These suspected Shizmadu traces were spotted. Shizmadu may be responsible for mass decay. —, the exact number is unknown. While solving the mass decay dilemma is important, resource gathering is paramount. If you encounter Shizmadu,—, but if that is not possible fire with a structural disruptor ( FEMACUBE³ CORPERATE AGENT STANDARD TRANS-PLANETARY CELL DISTUPTOR MK.II ), these beings are likely —. ------------------------------------- Scant Trace: Repair stats on all currently in play creatures. Stat buffs remain

Bruydac: Operations - Sequence I

20/-

OFFICIAL F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ WORDBRIEF MEMO#77189219 Your objective is to set up pipeline infrastructure for the freshwater ocean drain, and lay groundwork for long term ocean floor strip mining (AKA F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ CLEAN HORIZON). Subjugate the planet. F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ CORPORATE has obtained Q3_ZN:S*114117-P*6 for draining and mining access. As Corp Ambassadors, your goal is to reach an agreement with one of the three tribes that are indiginous to the planet. Pay as you see fit- but use discretion. The group you choose will end up doing the vast majority of the labor for the resource collecting. They mustn't rebel or resist. The remainder of the WORDBRIEF is inscribed in Bruydac: Operations - Sequence II ------------------------------------- This card must be played concurrently with Bruydac: Operations - Sequence I

Evolutionary Paths

10/-

"GeneScience™ has advanced so far that we can turn gay guys into straight guys, or we can turn straight ones into gays; we can make dogs gay, and hopefully make two dogs “do it”—even if they're both guys." We can play God, in our Playhouse—The House of Science—A.K.A. God's (New) House. We can turn squirrels into little puppies and shit, and we can make them squirrel-trannies, and we can splice them with gay guy, and then make three gay guys’ DNA combine with a dog’s—then we make the gay guy dog chimera fuck and get pregnant, then we can evolve them 1000 years until they have tits. ---------------- Transmutation (Evolutionary Fantasy Draft): Swap a creature currently in play with a different creature from your deck.

NEWSBOP

5/-

"NEWSBOP: 100% OF ALL PEOPLE ARE FATSO DEPRESSO WAGE SLAVES WITH NO WAY OUT!" Previously, only 99.9999% of people were fatso depresso wage slaves with no way out. "When reality doesn't fit the narrative, change reality." ------------------------------ BOP'd: All they ever show now is apocalypse porn masquerading as a news broadcast… But no one’s really doing anything about it… ♦ 250 DMG to all enemy creatures except those from Tubbos and Cubical Cog Clan (already damaged beyond repair). ♦ Place a Depression Marker on all surviving enemy creatures. Opponent must pay Universal Basic Income of one (1) Funding Point to remove this marker. If opponent does not pay, the creatures become Suicidal (flip a coin every turn, for each Suicidal creature, to see if they continue living or not)

Monkey Terrorists

20/-

IQ: 81 Augs?: Yes (Multiple) Infraorder: Simiiformes Skills/Abilities: Enhanced Strength (Passive); Demolitions Expertise; Small Arms; Woodsman/Survival; Field Medicine; Laser Weapons; Sonic Weapons; Tesla Weapons Perks: Prehensile Tail; Medical Marvel; Chimp S.C.R.E.A.M.; Combat Rush; The Knifesman Cometh; Vampiric Glare; Combat Rush II Purpose: With double the IQ of a standard US Army Marine, cutting edge cyber-augs, access to hidden weapons caches, and the tenacity of a Tasmanian devil, these chimps promise to bring about an age of chaos. Origin: "According to Fob-Fentee news site SinoBang, the Taliban has been training monkey soldiers. The source for this claim is low resolution photos on the internet of monkeys holding guns. Terrifying. “Monkeys are dangerous enough as it is. They will tear a man’s scrotum apart to the ragged edges with their silksteel fingerblades, without provocation or warning. They will go after a scrotum like a Ciusinart with a broken safety lock and won’t stop until they see the pubic bone. Giving them guns and military training just makes them exponentially more lethal. Afghani monkeys in particular are especially scary- they are very hungry and will kill without hesitation for a banana.” (NYMag Intelligencer) ------------------------- (To play this card, opponent must have at least one (1) Monkey-type creature deployed) Monkey Kong Crusade: An organized platoon of monkey super soldiers has you in its sights. They have proper trigger discipline and good posture. There's no evading the onslaught of monkeys about to turn your scrotum into confetti. Give up now and they might let you join their ranks. ♦ Select one (1) non-monkey-type creature to pretend to surrender to the opponent’s monkey army; send it over across the battle lines. Henceforth your double agent will be known as codename: Jerome. ♦ Roll a D6. If anything other than 1: opponent’s monkey army accepts the double-agent as one of their own. Jerome becomes a basic infantryman in the monkey corps. If 1: the rival monkeys intuit Jerome’s true intentions and put it to death (creature is destroyed). ♦ Jerome, now an initiate in the monkey army, begins integrating itself and and making itself useful to the top brass. Taking on their ways, assuming monkey culture and monkey identity like a chameleon-in some ways Jerome exemplifies monkeyness more than the monkeys themselves. Over the next seven (7) decades, Project Looking Glass slowly unfolds, and the line between monkey and man is blurred. Once per turn, roll a D6 to represent the passing of a decade. If anything other than 1: your double agent remains undetected and completes the listed objective. If 1: the truth is uncovered and your creature suffers a grizzly testicle-shredding death. ♦ Decade 1: Jerome gets the show started with some simple but effective sabotage. Two (2) randomly selected enemy items are now broken. ♦ Decade 2: Jerome has successfully sewn the seeds of doubt among the enemy ranks. One (1) enemy creature abandons its post (place in discard pile). ♦ Decade 3: Jerome’s many years of computer hacking training came in handy. One (1) Funding Point is siphoned from the enemy’s coffers into your own. ♦ Decade 4: Jerome brings the enemy’s nuclear infrastructure to its knees with a fortuitously placed EMP detonation. Total meltdown is averted, but at a great cost. Opponent loses one (1) turn to nuclear cleanup. ♦ Decade 5: Radio silence from Jerome. Something big is happening but even your Grand Viser Masterspy (if you have this card) is in the dark as to what. ♦ Decade 6: Still no word from Jerome. Assume dead or K.I.A. ♦ Decade 7: Jerome’s mastermind plan: capture and infect the opponent’s schools, churches, intelligentsia, literature, pop culture, and incrementally bend them away from the opponent’s ideology and towards that of the player. For so long this plan seemed futile, preposterous, but now it has yielded some fruit. Smile, comrade, for today you take the reins of the most powerful force the world has ever seen-the Grand Monkey Army! (All non-robot enemy creatures currently in play switch to your side.)

The Agency of Small Evenly-Distributed Pools of Water

22/-

"Love, whether it's friendship or more, is like a cup. It fills up drop by drop, until one last drop and the cup is full. The liquid hangs there almost above the rim, hangs there on surface tension alone and you know that one more drop and it will spill over." - Laurell K. Hamilton -does a puddle ask why am i this shade? ↪One single electron bouncing back and forth. This is the bounce…. ----------------- These Puddles Aren't Uniform. Re-Sort: Make your opponent do some pointless reorganizing & housekeeping. Spring cleaning mandate nightmare. ♦ Hey, you should shuffle your deck, then: ♦ Take all of your creature cards, and sort by FYT. ♦ After that, put a skill card in between every creature, with the exception of cards that have a sub 400 character total. ♦ Hey, actually let's sort by SWG. ♦ Reshuffle deck. Skip enemy’s turn

F E M A C U B E C O R P O R A T E P S Y C H E V A L U A T I O N Page1

22/-

EMPLOYEE NAME: _Thaddeus-1175a_ EMPLOYEE LEVEL: [GREEN] [YELLOW] [RED] ADMINISTRATOR NAME: _____________ FEMACUBE³ Corporate is committed to the highest standards of research and mining excellence, customer care, safety standards, and workplace community standards. Please answer the following questions to give us a better idea of how to best place you as an employee. THIS DOCUMENT IS PROTECTED BY FEMACUBE³ CORPORATE SECURITY INFORMATION POLICY. DO NOT SHARE THIS DOCUMENT WITH ANYONE ON PENALTY OF BLOODLINE TERMINATION. Have you ever been convicted of a space felony? Circle the best answer: Hell Yeah, Motherfucker Traffic or civil violation (Explain: ___________________________) I don’t remember No, I bribed the judge No, necrophilia is only a misdemeanor No criminal record because no surviving witnesses No, I slept with the prosecutor Yes, I was convicted of one of the following megacrimes: (circle it) Super Treason, Murdering Heads of Staff, Anarchy/Arson, Fuck the Cops, Anime Circle the term you feel best describes you: Good guy Badbutt (Can’t say the A$$ word) Some Guy Sexual Deviant THE guy! Cool Guy Big Guy Lucky Guy Don’t Remember Mathlete Lil’ Guy Yung Thug Cowboy on a Steel Horse Fat Dumb A lot smarter than you Cool and smart and good, big muscle and also handsome and not retarded Goku Model Train Enthusiast Reptilian Extremist Religious Fundamentalist Sexy Girl Who Might Sleep With You If You Give Me Money And Presents And Validate And Protect Me Edgelord Unsexy Girl Who Won’t Sleep With You And Probably Could Beat You Up ------------------- I Know You So Well: Peek at enemy’s next card to be drawn.

F E M A C U B E C O R P O R A T E P S Y C H E V A L U A T I O N Page2

17/-

Would you refuse a drug screen if asked? Circle the best answer: I would have to, or else I would be arrested and beaten to death in space rehab by methlords Don’t remember I AM VERY TOTALLY SOBER RIGHT NOW YES PLEASE!!! I don’t know Circle at least three substances you are currently addicted to: Meth Alcohol Pranks Cannibalism Space Weed Justice Sleeping pills Violence Painkillers Treason Food Hard Work Anime Religion Truth Jenkem Atheism Yo Momma Jokes Dancing Stimulants Being Edgy I don’t remember Cop Videos How many mental illnesses do you have/which ones? Circle the best answer. 20 or more non-specific mental problems/abilities Hallucination Disorder Cluster Don’t remember Yo momma 6-9 non-specific mental problems Anxiety Disorder Cluster Sociopath Extreme Oppositional-Defiant Cluster Are you a terrorist, with terrorist bombs? Circle the answer that best suits you: I am a terrorist with terrorist bombs. I have bombs, but they are not terrorist bombs. I might be a terrorist, but I hate bombs. Glory to FEMACUBE³! Me Don’t Remember What is your religion? Circle the best answer. Space Islam Space Buddhist Space Catholic Don’t remember Scientologist Ancient Sumerian Atheist (Edgy) Aldous Huxley Cult Space Jewish The King in Yellow The Blood God Cthulhu ----------------------- Infomashunal Superiority: Search deck for any Infomashun card, add to hand. Shuffle

F E M A C U B E C O R P O R A T E P S Y C H E V A L U A T I O N Page3

10/-

Circle all the places of education that you have studied at: Clown College I don’t remember Emerson Labs FEMACUBE³ Private Security FEMACUBE³ Corporated Terrorist Training Camp Virginia Tech Mars Teleport Sci Institute World Health Organization Satellite FEMACUBE³ Vivisection Colony (colony serial #:____) Please tell us about your certifications and qualifications so we can better place you among FEMACUBE³ territories, stations and artificial planets. You may check up to 3 boxes. [ ] I’m a high K/D video game player [ ] I’m an expert at holistic medicines [ ] I deserve what happened to me [ ] I pay my bills on time! [ ] I’m a FedGov partnered federal informant [ ] I have studied several important topics. Your HEAD OF PERSONNEL will periodically add certifications based on your weekly F³ PSYCH PAPERWORK, check your FedGov MyBuddy Mobile widget for relevant updates. Changes to your docket will additionally be sent via computer mail from femacube.mydocket@femacube.gov (please sort by spam if you’re missing vital messages). To conclude, mark in the blood box and sign below. Sign in PEN, not PENCIL. Station Paperwork Policy violations are subject to fines not exceeding 100,000 Chinese money. F E M A C U B E C O R P O R A T E C E R T I F I C A T I O N S SIGN HERE_________________ (in PEN, not PENCIL.)

Fake Alien Abduction (Trumanned President)

5/-

"Yes, Pres-i-dent. We come to.. tell you-that- ex-tremism is on.. the riiise.” After being sworn in, the President has become the central figure in a large Truman Show scheme- where he thinks he is running the nation but in reality is trapped in a model Washington DC somewhere in Nevada. Stage trickery makes him believe he's attending N.A.T.O.³ conferences and giving speeches in real US cities, but it’s all fake. To simulate crossing the ocean, they fly circles around Lake Mead for 30 minutes. He gives speeches to auditoriums filled with NDA’d craigslist actors and FedGov holograms. When drunk and vulnerable, his CIA bodyguards drug his chocolate-chocolate chip with MDT-3 Macro and stage fake alien abductions where he is taken into a disc-shaped spacecraft. Operatives donning Alibaba halloween alien suits ask pointed questions and disseminate *hoax information about current bills awaiting approval. Unsurprisingly, his FedGov™ handlers follow up daily alien news with harcore anal-probing, captured by 32k Japanese cameras. These kompromat UHD photos are filed for blackmail and political trolling in his senier years (if he behaves). To conclude the space hoax, they toss him down a flight of stairs every time. There is no reason for this, his F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ handlers just think it’s funny. *Hoax integrity determined by F³ truthcheckers. ------------------------ Executive Order: After holographic FedGov CIA fake alien extortion & intimidation, the President issues and emergency order; effective instantly. Ban one of the following card types from use [Buffs, Skills, Tactics or Plot Twists] for the next ten (10) turns

Fake Iraq (Trumanned President)

16/-

POTUS hops inside AIRFORCE³, a shoddy civilian helitour helicopter with ‘FBI CIA USA’ decals on the side. Liftoff commences, and the craft beelines for the center of Lake Mead where it will hover idly while simulating cross-ocean travel. “Meyers, give me the newswire. What’s the status on the Iraqi situation?” “Mr. President, your water initiative is doing well. Child thirst is down 1000% since January.” “...And the hospital?” “Yes sir. It has your namesake, the sign on the facade is nice and big- we even used the NCIS font you requested.” “Heh. Nice, Meyers! Nice.. Bingo!” The President exits the aircraft and is instantly greeted by little Mexican kids wearing Iraqi rags, speaking Spanish. They hug his feet as flash photos are taken. A mock ‘Taliban raid’ is conducted while he’s entering a ‘government building’- the ‘terrorists’ are death row inmates with unloaded AKs Gorilla-Glued to their hands. FedGov FEMACUBE secret agents dispatch the terror threat with compact HKs (trust exercise). He attends the ‘Red Sea Summit’ where all the actors that play terrorists in movies pretend to be middle eastern Heads of State. Meanwhile the real Iraq is being turned to rubble. ---------------------- Bag Dad: So long as two F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ or WarGodz creatures are in play, your Narrative counter is increased by one (1)

Fake Moon (Trumanned President)

8/-

"Rolling? How's my hair? This doesn't make sense, isn't there supposed to be no gravity here?.. How's my hair?" Trip to the Moon (2099) is an anthology picture being directed by several prominent directors of the 60s, all resurrected via FAKE TECH cloning GIZMOS for their one final flick: John Sturges does the takeoff, Roman Polanski does the ship part, John Ford does the actual lunar module/rock collection, etc. Stanley Kubrick does act III but he's also the main director, the only one who's in on the whole scam(the lesser directors think they’re filming a Netflix original). There’s lots of arguments on-set about how the moon’s technically supposed to be really hot- “We have to cut any water-based plot points!” The President gives notes: he wants more coverage of the US military, mentions of the nuclear arsenal, maybe a love interest for Neil Armstrong? In the cutting room, Kubrick looks at the choppy shitty space footage, flag waving in the wind. “Goddammit..” he mutters. “..We’re going to have to really go to the moon after all.” -------------------- Real Estate, Fake Moon: It sure fooled me. Wow! ♦ All friendly creatures gain +1 INT & PSI ♦ All creatures with < STR cannot use item

FedFinder HOME ADDRESS SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER

5/-

"Pinging SheepleChip. Triangulating. Scanning file... Report complete; subject flagged for retrieval and detention." HOME ADDRESS: Z10, CIVIL QUAD-9, LEVEL 6, CELL 451 SHEEPLE SECURITY NUMBER: 701-93-9926 SHEEPLE 'NAME': PAULA FREDERICK CUMP CONDITIONS: FAT, RETARDED, DRY NASTY FEET FedFinder HOME ADDRESS SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER is a nifty piece of software used by FEDGOV to locate SHEEPLE quickly and efficiently. When Enforcers, Wardens or KILLCOPS need to bring in a subject for questiontorture, FedFinder HOME ADDRESS SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER can pull up the SHEEPLE's relevant data points in seconds. Capture is assured. --------------------- FedFinder QuikkkSearch: Ask your enemy if they have a specific card. ♦ Enemy must search deck for specific card of your choice; ♦ If they have it, it is detained for the rest of the game. ♦ If opponent has multiple copies, only one (1) is affected

Brain Scorchers

12/-

"Bhunk-Tuu! Rasmah'Ta Aang... Gow!" The Brain Scorchers have inherited the world. They puzzle over the now defunct ruins. While these tribals don’t understand the dormant obelisks which litter the horizon and seem poised to puncture the sky itself, they do at least recognize the powerful phallic shape, and have a custom of mutilating themselves to better mimic the imposing spires. Their culture is rich with storytelling. The Brain Scorchers have a long running verbal fanfiction. This lore is passed down from the elders, generation to generation. Mother bite chunk of their son's ______ and he _________ pain while _____ stomps bloody ______ and great cloud god say if firstborn dares to ________ before he _______, then lightning and tornado and hyena will ______ the whole family for one hundred sun years. They are not intelligent enough to be aware of their buffs and debuffs. For example, agrarian Brain Scorchers occupy the Lein-Tkuu Basin, the continent’s most fertile region. They believe this area to be blessed by CloudSkyGod [translation incomplete], but its fertility is actually an effect of ancient photosynthesis acceleration modules, still active in the region after untold aeons. The ominous pylons so ubiquitous and so central to their religion are, in fact, Neuro Oppressors—towers which broadcast special beams that keep mammalian brains scattered and… scorched (IQ permanently capped at 50). Used several thousand years ago to quell rebellions by the Brain Scorchers’ subjugated ancestors, the Neuro Oppressors have outlived their purpose—the conquering aliens who installed them have long since moved on to other planets. Too bad they didn’t shut them off on their way out. ----------------- Hunting Party: A small unit of Scorchers advance toward your enemy. ♦ Arrows and spears made from coat hangers and mop handles are hurled at 1-3 enemy targets; ♦ 275 DMG, distributed however you see fit. Mutilate Cock: Barbaric ritual. Very Dark Age. Why would anyone ever mutilate their-- ...Hmmmm. ♦ 50 Self DMG to Brain Scorchers; ♦ Future attacks do 2X DMG

Sheeple Scanner

15/-

"Sheeple:… Scanned. 871-31-3291." This device is used to keep track of individual serfs/lower humans that can be used for organs, sex slavery, fuel, etc. Sheeple Scanner scans sheeple quickly, pulling up SSN, Last Intimate Partner, M.V.O. (Most Valuable Organ), and favorite TV show—lightning fast. Usually brandished by F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ TerrorSafe Constables. Sheeple Scanners can also be integrated into public spaces, Subway® stops and restaurants, masturbation booths, etc. Powered by two (2) AA batteries. ------------------------ M.O.V.: Confiscate an enemy creature's liver and sell it to the Fob-Fentee. ♦ 125 DMG; can no longer heal; ♦ -3 PSI; ♦ +125 HP to one of your creatures

Social Media Court

8/-

"In hac terra, iuris affirmat nocentibus convincuntur etsi reus." The Court of Public Opinion Finds You: GUILTY! Sentenced To: Lose all your friends and followers on Twigger. Crimes: Didn't support the thing that's good to support. Why did I post that? Summons came in the mail today—this shit's real isn't it... Maybe if I post a public apology, I mean I did let a lot of people down. ---------------------------------- iVerdict: Turn an enemy creature into a lambasted quirky social untouchable. ♦ Creature is removed from play and placed at bottom of deck. Shuffle. *D.U.D.E.: Fellas Rising cards are immune to this tactic. Their feeds are sports only; it's impossible for Fellas to be truly controversial

"Food"

14/-

"Food." Most common and affordable food* item. Everyone eats this stuff, everyone feels that 'hard to describe' feeling afterwards. Ingredients: Lice Paste, Xanthum Root, Glutate, Reptile Egg (Shell), Snail Tip, Mice Feather, Ant, Dog Guck, Fly Shots -------------------- Food: Eat. ♦ 100 HP Snack. Side effect: Reduced peripheral vision; altered sense of smell; metallic taste sensation that strangely does not originate from the tongue but elsewhere…. Gravity's always this heavy? It's like I'm still hungry.. But somehow I know I shall never eat again. Where am I? Will you take me to the potty? *May also be trash

Lockdown (Low)

12/-

"YOU'VE BEEN KINDA BAD. ENTERING: LOCKDOWN -- Level: LOW." F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ security measure. Lockdowns come in five different threat deltas, each requiring unique safety protocols. Threat levels are relayed daily to F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ Peace Creators from the central F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ Trust, Safety and Satisfaction office. Exactly how the tiers are determined is open to speculation. Consequences of “LOW”-level lockdown: • Police on regular standby (binge watching TV shows in squad car); • Fines more likely than prison sentences for minor infractions; • Security staff get a snow day; guard posts set to autoguard; • Water and electricity temporarily cut off from penal sectors. (Resource management reasons. Don’t worry³) ------------------------------- LOCKDOWN_DELTA:LOW: Security standards are set to autopilot, your ‘personal officer’ (everyone is assigned one) is watching Pawn Stars on his android work tablet for the next 45 minutes. ♦ Block the next attack from F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ ot Thin Blue Whine. OR ♦ Next attack to F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ or Thin Blue Whine deals +50 DMG, as well as destroys all currently held items.

Lockdown (Guarded)

14/-

"YOU'VE BEEN REAL BAD. ENTERING: LOCKDOWN -- Level: GUARDED." F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ security measure. Lockdowns come in five different threat deltas, each requiring unique safety protocols. Threat levels are relayed daily to F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ Peace Creators from the central F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ Trust, Safety and Satisfaction office. Exactly how the tiers are determined is open to speculation. Consequences of “GUARDED”-level lockdown: • Reduced detective vigilance and equipment maintenance. Peace Creator pain prods operate at 50% power output, reducing pollution and cost to the taxgiver; • Horse dispatch. • Checkpoints in certain areas are purely performative—no time is wasted scanning Level 9 Citizensirs, for example. ------------------------------- LOCKDOWN_DELTA:GUARDED: Check-point! ♦ Choose a creature with less than 5 INT or STR to stall at a FedGov PeaceCheck Docu-sign eStation for (2) turns. Stunned ♦ Any creatures that consumed drugs in the past 3 turns are arrested and shock prodded, 200 DMG. When busted, enemy must show their hand and place all items at bottom of deck

Lockdown (Elevated)

8/-

"YOU'VE BEEN REAL BAD. ENTERING: LOCKDOWN -- Level: ELEVATED." F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ security measure. Lockdowns come in five different threat deltas, each requiring unique safety protocols. Threat levels are relayed daily to F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ Peace Creators from the central F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ Trust, Safety and Satisfaction office. Exactly how the tiers are determined is open to speculation. Consequences of “ELEVATED”-level lockdown: • Standard detective vigilance and equipment maintenance; • Constant patrols; checkpoints on main thoroughfares; • Identity of any POIs released to media; • Peace Creators targeting criteria upgraded from “strike-at-will” to “strike-on-eye-contact” ------------------------------- LOCKDOWN_DELTA:ELEVATED: Lawful search and seizure. ♦ Search enemy hand for items. Destroy one, keep one for yourself (You’re addicted to stealing items from perps mid-shakedown) Unregistered Tech, ELEVATED:RISK: Enemy may not enter new FAKE TECH cards into play until one tactic card is sacrificed

Lockdown (High)

11/-

"YOU'VE BEEN REAL BAD. ENTERING: LOCKDOWN Level: HIGH." FEMACUBE³ security measure. Lockdowns come in five different threat deltas, each delta requiring unique safety & security protocols put in place. Threat levels are handed down to FEMACUBE³ Peacekeepers from the central FEMACUBE³ office. Exactly how the threat delta is determined is up to speculation. Consequences of High-level Lockdown: • Robot cops dispatched; Skyblade fleet assigned to monitor RED areas closely. • Officer supremacist implants switched to “always on”; • More frequent checkpoints. Inter-sector travel not permitted • Chases/active crimes are constantly live streaming via Skyblade, Good Sammies get InstaCash rewards. ------------------------------- LOCKDOWN_DELTA:HIGH: Put an illegal crime warrant for the arrest, persecution, and humane rehabilitation of any enemy creature. ♦ 2X DMG when attacking this creature; ♦ Opponent may himself choose to surrender the creature in exchange for the Good Samaritan Instacash Reward. Opponent gains one (1) Funding Point, card is destroyed

Lockdown (Standard)

3/-

"YOU ARE BEING HUNTED! ENTERING: LOCKDOWN – Level: STANDARD." FEMACUBE³ security measure. Lockdowns come in five different threat deltas, each delta requiring unique safety & security protocols put in place. Threat levels are handed down to FEMACUBE³ Peacekeepers from the central FEMACUBE³ office. Exactly how the threat delta is determined is up to speculation. Consequences of Standard Lockdown: • Regional Director to be accompanied 24/7 by SEC-TEAM • Martial Law / Curfew in effect for all citizens and citizensirs; • Day and night checkpoints at all intersections, building entrances, etc.; • Death Penalty for all infractions •Safety robots and Skyblade surveillance drones run extended duty cycle; emergency maintenance only; • FedGov MyBuddy Mobile locked to therapeutic crisis mode, all citizens & citizensirs must speak to MyBuddy nonstop. • Indoor tone of voice enforced by gun cops. ------------------------------- LOCKDOWN_DELTA:STANDARD: Batch arrest of suspicious sheeple. ♦ Arrest up to three (3) creatures for three (3) turns. ♦ Every turn, flip a coin. If tails, a creature of your enemy's choice is released early. ♦ Confiscate and destroy all firearm item cards

Mindwipe Pill

19/-

"These pills fall under the family of drugs known as Benzoidalpraxaldams" SINGLE PILL IN COOL DESIGN MYLAR BLISTER PACKAGE - HAZY RECOLLECTION OF CLATTERING CRESCENT ICE CUBES MUTED BY THICK-WALLED SYROFOAM CUP - CHEESY SMELL - A ROOM WHERE YOU SIT AND WATCH THREE SEASONS OF SUITS ON TBS ON A BROWN COUCH - YOU GET A HARD ON ONCE AND YOUR BOY SAYS “YOOOOOOO” Target (you) is knocked out cold for twenty minutes and wakes up with no memory of the last 24 hours. Additional chemicals fill target with vague shame. Disguised as a Work-Alert pill, common at refuel stations. --------------------------- Reverse Psychosis: If this item is used on a creature suffering from Mental Affliction or other retardation-type debuff, they are reverted to Normal/Good mental status.

NT Mineral Reclamation Asteroid B-73

1/-

"Это начало новой эры." Location: Northern Russia. Initial Impact Crater Radius: 3.26 km A meteor impact site containing big fragments of kooky space stuff. CONTAINS: - Space Potatoez - Moon Fossils - ‘Neil Armstronk’: a new type of Space Weed grown exclusively on Nebular Reticulum Colony 3c-i, apparently physics is different in that region (due to Black Lives Matter Supermass 3c-i) so the THC molecule skips a link and literally isn't THC, it's actually THB (technically making it 'not weed' but physically looks just like weed- other than the purple metallic leaf texture & alien smell. Smells loud but also a little like gasoline, fitting because one time I rolled it in a blunt with my homie Andre that lives next to me in Apt 3C (coincidence???) 'This shit's gasoline' word for word is what he said I swear to God. Unfortunately he got mad fucked up and 'Little Greened Out, Man' (funny little play on words I thought up to describe when someone smokes alien dope and greens out, trust me not the first time. It's understandable: He literaly had never smocked alien weed before so he basically had no T (Tolerance) LOL. 4 Lightyear T-break. Lol. - Space Fossilz ----------------------------- Neil Armstronk: While this location is in play, all F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³, Aliens, and D.U.D.E.: Fellas Rising cards have an unlimited supply of Loud Dope to smoke. ♦ +50 HP per turn for above listed factions

Calamity Blast

7/-

"BLAST these kids, BLAST them with RADIO." Kids play too much. Beam them with theta waves, zap them with ions until they taste metal. Bash their heads against this ROCK (music) until they do what they’re told! Admittedly, the goal wasn't to make half a million people infertile- it was to blast Classic Rock Hits across 6 states All the Classic Hits Your Radio, Billy and the Beast, only on the Radio, Your Hits, 99.1 The Beast, Your Classic Rock ♫ Keep On a' Rocking me Babeyyy Gonna Rock it roll' Let's Gooo, I got a rock and Roll ♫ for you Baby! ♫ YeaahAh! Now, all us adults can finally get some Peace n' Qiuete - the kids finally stopped moving. Now we can ♫ Rock and Roll, Yeaaaah, ☮ Uhkeep ♫ on-a rocking! Yeah! -------------------------------- Calamity Before the Storm: Energy shockwave. The Old Ones made a mistake in the design specifications for their classic blast apparatus. Anyone whose brain isn’t sufficiently fluoridated and calcified (younguns and DMT users) is vulnerable to CALAMITY BLAST! Rockin’ 103.5 The Blast, 97.1-ONLY Classic Hits! ♦ Must play loud ROCK MUSIC at max volume for ten (10) turns. ♦ 250 DMG to all enemy creatures ♦ 75 DMG to all of your own. You love doing all this fucking math. Oh yeah it also ♦ turns kiddo creatures into vegumtahbles

CIA Child Soldier

7/-

"Look sonny- it's a good gig. Do your piece, 20 years go by quick. Retired at 26? I'd kill to be in your shoes kid." The CIA (F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ SUBSIDIARY) easily pours ~1 million SOCIAL CREDITS into a level 3 disguise (fake nose, fake eyes, fake ebony skin grafts)- Level 4 disguises transforme one fully anew. Race reversal, limb shrinking & age regression- all costly. The obvious TaxGov savings solution was to move to level 5: stop transforming 30 year old white guys into children and black dudes- and just hire children and black dudes. The taxpayer's savings were funneled into Iraqi missiles. CIA Child Soldier loves Fortnite, soccer, and he LOVES mommy (Mommy is a FedGov actor). Mommy's primary goal is to place her little hero in the field to collect data. CIA Child Soldier is trained to tattle on state enemies. ------------------------ Temper Tantrum: FedGov snipers watch his back on the playground. ♦ 75 DMG. Flip a coin, if heads, the attack is followed by a .338 Lapua Magnum round- an additional 200 DMG. Gun Control When?: If CIA Child Soldier is defeated via gunfire. opponent loses two (2) Narrative points, you may add Gun Control Crisis Boy to play instantly

Sandy Hookers

16/-

"Buy crisis liability insurance. Buy it now Maury. As SOON as you hang up this phone, you need to make that call and buy the insurance. This is going down TOMORROW." A.K.A. SHers. A type of artificial human hybridized in underground CIA bases for events where human expendability is a top priority. e.g.: Sandy Hook. These Hollywood extras come pre-loaded with realistic blood. They look cute but don’t worry-they don’t feel pain and they don’t have any comprehension of mortality. Sandy Hookers have low health but player can play an unlimited amount, funding permitting. Advantages: Lifelike, no reptilian vibe. Hard to detect unless blasted with the April-2014-A pgm. Difficult to screen from the public through interrogation, due to advanced CIA/NSA GPT-4 technology. Disadvantages: Quantum Leap-style problems when they forget where they were in the script and say the wrong thing. As a result SHers avoid giving direct testimony and appearing in tragedy fundraiser videos. Examples: Most of the Sandy Hook actors. Adam Lambda. His new stepmom. ----------------- They’re Everywhere: Once the initial cost to play has been paid, create unlimited duplicate instances of Sandy Hookers on the battlefield at a cost of one (1) Funding Point per

Reverse Universe

3/-

"!ɯon ǝd oɈ ϱnioϱ ƨi Ɉi γɒɯ ǝʜɈ ƨi ƨiʜT !Ɉʜϱiɿ ƨi ϱniʜɈγɿǝvƎ" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ˎϱniγl m'I ʇi ǝvil oɈ ǝm ɿoʇ ǝɔɒlq ɒ lɒnoiɈɔnυʇ ooɈ ƨmǝǝƨ Ɉi ǝɿǝʜ ǝvil ɒnnɒɯ ɿǝvǝ Ɉ'nob I .Ɉi ǝɈɒʜ Ɉυd qlǝʜ nɒɔ I bnɒ Ɉʜϱiɿ ʇo ƨɈɿoƨ llɒ ƨi ǝɔɒlq ƨiʜT ⸮ǝɔin ʇo bniʞ ƨ;Ɉi ǝυld bnɒ bǝɈƨυd ƨi ϱniʜɈγɿǝvǝ ϱniγonnɒ oƨ ƨ;Ɉi (: ƨiʜɈ ǝɈɒʜ I ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ⸮ mǝʜɈ Ɉiʜ :ǝno ʞɔɒɈɈɒ HEALS ENEMY FOR 25 HP ♦ ⸮niɒϱɒ mǝʜɈ ɈiH :oɯT ʞɔɒɈɈA HEALS ENEMY FOR 25 HP

GATE Program

10/-

"I wanna be a civil engineer like my daddy." - No One Location: The regional magnet school where they send that kid with the bugged out eyes and cold, secretive parents. Gifted & Talented program for high IQ students. Activities involve: building bridges out of marshmallows and toothpicks in rooms with no windows, remote stereotactic radiotherapy, self-directed study of ancient cultures, VR sim sneaking missions; headphones super loud playing one tone for hours; Legos. Participants typically go on to score in the top 1% of students who suffer from severe migraines and attend their DARPA-partnered college of choice. Will later claim they ‘knew they were trans’ from early childhood but no one present during that time can recall even the slightest indication they were anything other than a cripplingly autistic boy. ☞ You're gonna invent a new science one day ☞ You're gonna make a computer one day ☞ You're gonna discover a planet ☞ You're gonna build a bio-weapon ☞ Then you're gonna invent the cure and save us all. -------------------------------------------------------------- Fast Track: +50% INT and -50% SWG to all cards in play. Both players must discard one (1) creature of their choice (accidental 2C-B + ketamine overdose)

Gas Station Adrenochrome

10/-

"Now everything's legal, everything's permitted." Gas Station Adrenochrome is so fucking stronkkk. You've tried the other ones- Pharmacell Innetech AdrenoSerum, Dog Blood, Baby Blood (Straight from source). It doesn't hit the same.. Something about the gas station, specifically this exact gas station (Khout across from the Veteran’s Healthcare Administration building three blocks down Atwells from the homeless shelter, maybe that’s why they have such good shiiit).. Rush unlike any other. Probably cut it with CBD honey straws, the stuff they have on the counter right next to it. Fire. The shit Raul Duke dreams about. --------------------------- I Am Become Vampyr: You dose. ♦ 2X DMG for next attack ♦ Drawback: You are now Vampyr. The night beckons, you wane as the moon does. For the first time ever you can understand the chatter of the bats at nyght. You resp'nd. An unholy union forms, the thyrst grows evermore as your former self turns weary. Dread incarnyte, you doth know the eve at which you Feast draws near. When the fang doth sink, there is no turnyng back. You become the nyght. You own the dark'ness.

Gay Terminator

17/-

"By the year 2084 the g*ys have found a way to impregnant other g*y men through engineering bionetic buttwombs. No man is safe from their cybernetic r*pe babies.” – Sarah Coner Penis: Sucked Rear End: Filled Cum: Dripping G*y Terminator is equipped with an advanced LCD viewfinder. Homosexual: Located (homosexual detection is broken; it mistakenly marks all humans as homosexual instead of just 95% of them); filling rear end with cum now… Filling… Filling… Please wait… Filling… Buggering Complete. Target: Sperminated. ----------------- Infiltration Gayborg: For the purpose of receiving buffs/bonuses, this card may identify as one or more of the following factions: F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³, Rainbow R!ot, Fake Tech, Tantillo SYstems, No Future. For the purposes of receiving debuffs/penalties, G*y Terminator morphs back into an amorphous blob of G*y mimetic polyalloy, and identifies only as: Quimp (Neuraloid). Faulty Homo Scanner: G*y Terminator may, at will, use his faulty homo-scanning targeting reticule to change the faction of any card in play to Rainbow R!ot. You’ve been targeted for spermination

ChillX Hypo-Pistol

9/-

"It's like a Xanax you can shoot at someone's skull." Make vibes, not war. This shit is mad wavy, the hypodermic bullet injects Xanny Fent into the bullet victim, rendering the medically 'chill' in less than 20 seconds. Useful in retail scenarios- if a customer finds fleas in their newly bought furniture or hair in their protein bowl and starts becoming aggy, aim for the middle of the fore head. “TRANQ-U 10mm BENZO CARTRIDGE” One shot pistol. Make sure you hit your mark. It would succckkkk if you missed bro we'd have to reup I sold my PS3 for this pistol bro ----------------- Medically Chill: Shoot someone uncool dead in they fo’ head. ♦ Incapacitated for one (1) turn; ♦ Negates the following status effects: Rage; Frenzy; Berserk; Possessed; Fanatic War Cry (Barbarian Only); Ancients’ Valor (Barbarian Only); Batter Up (Brawler Only); Concentrating. ♦ Bestows the following status effects: Enfeebled. Addicted to Shooting Myself: Administer a ChillX shot right in your neck. ♦ Choose one creature to be incapacitated for five (5) turns. While incarcerated, this creature takes NO DMG from any source, no matter how powerful (even nuclear weapons and/or end-of-Universe type cataclysms). “ChillX. Hypodermic Vibes

CIA 1 (Dark Red): The Central Information Army

13/-

"RUNNING CLASSIFICATION SCAN PROTOCOL (X-309-PROTO-1)........... ...............DARK RED CLEARANCE DETECTED............................................ .......................................AGENT ENTRY GRANTED......................................" Welcome to the Central Information Army e-Portal. Thank you for your service, agent. [ Login ] [ Create a New Account ] Username: mark_millerAerosmithfan Password: aA1!aa When did 9/11 happen: 2001 ---------------------------------- Create New Account: This location card allows you up to two (2) creature conversions to F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ faction, allowing creatures to join the agency and benefit from faction specific buffs- as well as enjoying a cushy retirement plan (+1800 FederalCredits/mo & discounts at several Langley, VA mom + pop cheese pizza restaurants) and 2071 Escalade EV Sport, all for the agent’s driving enjoyment/soccerdad errands. Agent e-Portal: This ‘agents only’ portal is an actual dimensional rift, accessible via simple javascript ‘edit.hack’ commands. Great for quick escapes by F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ phaze-spooks. ♦ Swap out an active F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ creature for another different one from your deck. Shuffle

CIA 2 (Dark Blue): The Chief Investigation Agency

19/-

"RUNNING CLASSIFICATION SCAN PROTOCOL (X-309-PROTO-1)........... ...............DARK BLUE CLEARANCE DETECTED.......................................... .......................................AGENT ENTRY PENDING........................................" Welcome to the Chief Investigation Agency landing page. [ Forgot your Password? ] To ensure Chief Investigation Agency (C.I.A. 2) login security, we ask agents Defcon 3 Sec-Q's that guarantee you are who you say you are. Please answer the following security questions, and you will be given a new password via email. Sec-Q 01: When did 9/11 Happen? [ New Yourk City ] [ 1911 ] [ 2001 September ] Sec-Q 02: How many airplanes? [ One airplanes ] [ Two airplanes ] [ Two holographic airplanes ] ------------------- Login_Success: You gain entry into the CIA 2 e-Portal, and have access to a hoard of civilian records. ♦ Choose a creature from your hand to perform the hack. This creature is now The Hacker. ♦ As long as this The Hacker is alive, your opponent may not turn any cards face down. ♦ Can view your opponent's hand until this The Hacker is destroyed. ♦ Enemy FEMACUBE creatures deal 2X DMG to The Hacker

CIA 3 (Dark Green): The Commission of Intelligence Authorization

12/-

"RUNNING CLASSIFICATION SCAN PROTOCOL (X-309-PROTO-1)........... ...............DARK GREEN CLEARANCE DETECTED....................................... .......................................AGENT ENTRY GRANTED......................................" Welcome to the the Commission of Intelligence Authorization landing page: www.cia.wixsite.com ! Are you sure you want to update this citizen's file? [ No ] [ Yeah ] Are you certain you want to change this citizen's name to 'Farts And ShitLover'? [ Cancel ] [ Yes Please ] ----------------------- SSN Retcon: You access CIA 3's Dark-Green level citizen database via a bitcoin payment to a OG-username collector, he sold you a working CIA regional director’s account for .06 BTC. You're in control now. ♦ Restat any one (1) creature’s stats. ♦ Maximum of ten (10) total points changed. ♦ Up or down, friend or foe. ♦ Only works on Humanoids. No SSN = no retcon. OR Deed Transfer: Utilize SSN swapping to reclaim a target property/location card. If not useful, property can be sold/destroyed for .04 BTC (+350 HP

Depopulation/Killshot

16/-

"Experts say it's great for the bottom line!" Feeders.. there's just too many of them. Data scientists project that if populations keep rising at their current rate, Hollywood would have to make 15,000 new shows to sustain the feeder lifeforms. One show could take 1,000 feeders a full year to produce.. They haven't done too much more math but it isn't a stretch to assume this could very quickly become a resource crisis. These are state-of-the-art computer models these guys are using, by the way.The solution: Stop Feeder Breeding (SFB! SFB! SFB come say it with me!). Once the science is settled, we'll rely on self hating white women and CNN celebrity doctors to spread the word. ----------------- Best Interest: Players cannot summon creatures for two (2) turns. ♦ BRICS cards are immune to this agenda

Moralize

18/-

"Puppy abortion is a discussion I am willing to really get into." Make a Moral-Type argument to persuade a target. If you succeed, target will reduce their hostility factor. If you S.U.C.C.E.E.D+, target will become convinced to support your cause and assist you in carrying it out. Robots, aliens, and the innately evil are immune to Moral-Type arguments. Some valid moral arguments include: - Puppy abortion - MDMA treatment for the elderly - Government subsidized foreskin reconstruction - Marriage for puppets - Punch girlfriend is OK if not often - Euthanasia to escape poverty - Sensory deprivation therapy for the blind (deprive them of their other senses so they miss their sight less) ------------ Try My Shoes On: Empathize with my fucked up worldview. ♦ Flip a coin. If heads, Target creature is persuaded to no longer attack or use abilities which deal damage. If tails, Target creature loses one (1) turn for re-typing argument several times before posting. If coin lands perfectly on its edge (S.U.C.C.E.S.S.+): your argument was so great that target gives up and joins your side

Poison Pen

21/-

"The writing tool with a nasty surprise." Injects the target with a full dose of neurotoxin-laced plasmids (creatures with armor or without exposed skin will not be affected). Poison Pen is an easily concealable spy tool and therefore cannot be confiscated. Poison Pen may also be used for writing. ---------------- Sign Here: Inject an enemy creature with Poison Pen. ♦ All moves take twice as long to complete due to onset of inexplicable dementia-like symptoms. Can I Borrow That?: Loan an ITEM card to your opponent.. But do not tell him that the Poison Pen is hidden underneath! Opponent suffers from brain damage (lose one (1) turn)

'Nati Pop

6/-

“Defeat! Subdue! Submit!” -Queen of illuminati pop: Lady Gaga. When I first heard that I thought I was in a concentration camp. Bradley Cooper is also somehow relevant to this. ----------------------- Grrrlboss Respect: Any time your opponent attacks one of your creatures, he must say forgive me, Queen". If he forgets to do this, the attack fails and the opponent’s creature takes 100 DMG. Place a Misogynist counter on the attacker, if male. Grrrlboss Appreciate: Your opponent must pay you ONE (1) per turn for every female creature you “control”, OR ONE (1) coin per turn for each male creature he controls, whichever is higher. Misogynists cost TWO 2 coins. Grrrlboss Protect: Your Intelligentsia creatures are invulnerable. Grrrlboss Empower: F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ and Rainbow R!ot creatures you control get +2 FYT, permanently (the state-run media apparatus defends everything they say and do, no matter how demonic)

Demonic Centrifuge

17/-

The machine’s sole function is to fuel itself. To do so, it will murder and consume any child in its path or donated by Planned Parenthood. Its power has been co-opted by satanic pedophiles and is now used to heat Cleon Peterson’s McMansion™. ------------------------ Say Hello to HEK 293 for Me: Any creatures in play with less than 100 HP are consumed. Their remaining health is added to a creature of your choice. Bad Deal: You sold your soul for a nice house and car… The house looks like a drug dealer’s house and guests can tell which art pieces you picked personally because they’re the most garish and imbecilic (eight-foot-tall Peter Max ripoff painting of a DMT hallucination emanating from Jay-Z’s hair). The car is something so obvious and off-the-shelf that anyone who sees it thinks you just got money yesterday (McLaren Whatever, same one Saudi Arabia buys in bulk for party favors but of course you made it your own with a retarded pinstripe that the next owner is really gonna love, and the wheel equivalent of Osiris shoes which not only look worse but are heavier and ruin the ride quality). It’s not always sunshine and rainbows over on Team Evil but it beats being broke, I guess! ♦ -4 SW

Airplane Mass Shooting Tutorial Mission

21/-

"This is an exciting way to learn the Basics of Weapons Handling." You’re on a twelve-hour flight to Nippon to meet your online girlfriend for the first time in real life, when all of a sudden: A passenger stands up and screams, “I can’t take it anymore!” – The guy sitting next to you says, “hey man, I used to be a pilot, I know what to do.” – He gives you Basics of Weapons Handling skill points on the spot. More and more people get up and declare they can’t take it anymore-lotta stress on this flight. The gun trainer says “OK buddy you better look alive, these people are going crazy!” – you have to shoot the rest. You kill everyone, shooting a gay flight attendant in the back of the head as he’s serving someone Diet Coke. Guess he’ll never make it back to his clean apartment that has a cat, several pieces of authentic African tribal artwork, and smells like expensive soaps and candles. It’s simple to use Basics of Weapons Handling to dispatch an entire family of four who didn’t worship you the way you wanted. “Hey you might as well finish off the rest, press “G” to throw a grenade. You can hold the bottom down to ‘cook’ your grenade, just make sure you let go before it blows up in your hand!” – The seat belt light turns off so you are allowed to walk around the rest of the plane killing people. When you return to your seat, if you don’t kill the guy, he looks at you and says, “nice work man. Hey, remember this for the rest of your life,” and then kills himself. *The tutorial mission is the only good part, the rest of the game is just you being interviewed by lawyers and doctors and staring at cement walls/eating very bland food. ON CHALLENGE COMPLETION, COLLECT 500 TERROR POINT

Commonplace Cannibalism

12/-

"Spirit cooking? That's a conspiracy theory, friend. Rich people are just eccentric, they do weird stuff-everybody knows that. They're not literally eating people. They just pretend to do that at public parties." LA is awesome. It's like Disneyland but for grown ups. One time I had this Poke Bowl Burger with extra Cray-Z sauce - YUM ($41 before tax). --------------------------------- Succulent Cuts: Next attack’s DMG is added to your attacking creature’s HP. If creature has consumed Gas Station Adrenochrome, and their attack deals a killing blow- the target creature’s max HP is added to your creature’s HP. THERE’S NO BASEMENT!: Stop coming in here and yelling at me! Truther cards cannot be played for four (4) turns.

Credible Threat Generator

16/-

"Don't click the link." Used primarily by CIA 1-5 phaze-spooks to generate emails and message board posts which provide probable cause for search and seizure warrants, as well as backstory for false flag shootings. Among other things, this bot will redirect every web address to www.myfreechildporn.honeypot.fbi.gov while emailing every New York Times reporter with fantastical death threats (from your account). “IT’S ONLY A 20 MINUTE DRIVE TO UR FAMILY HOME WHEN I GET THERE WE PLAY THE REVOLVER GAME BUT I WIN” This clever little piece of malware will also create an encrypted VPN tunnel into your mom's brain so she will tell every news outlet how disturbed and depraved you were as a child. She will get away scot-free despite having and kept you unnecessarily on lithium and a bunch of other meds for a decade (so that you’d shut the hell up). ------------------- Treat Detected: When this card is played, the opponent is forced to say a specific, credible threat out loud while holding their cell phone or Alexa device up to their mouth. Make sure they speak as clearly as possible and give their full name, address, and date/time. They must also say "This is not a joke. In the event that this recording is played in court, I must emphasize that I am serious and not joking about my intent to commit acts of violence." Public Interest: Turn after threat is verbalized, your Thin Blue Whine/F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ creature may attack twice in one turn

DigiSnitch

19/-

"In the future crypto is banned and the NAMERAC-buck (US dollar successor) is actually doing really really well :)" Two girls are on treadmills in the gym, one of asks the other: "So Julie.. do u worship the NAMERAC-buck, our great nation’s sovereign currency?" "Erhm.. No..?" Girl #1 whips out her phone and pops open DigiSnitch- the new and improved patriot app (Now on FitBitch, the No. 1. GirlQueen fitness device, GoBitch™) DigiSnitch allows users to report all sorts of traitorous infractions, such as questioning petrodollar V3 sanctity and reacting negatively to public executions. Seconds after submitting your TERROR REPORT, a black masked Romanian police officer adorned in PMC getup C4 breachers the glass door of the OrangeFitness™ and safe-chokes Girl #2 unconscious- dragging her out by her feet. He comes back in for the woman who reported her. Submit terror report? Julie will die. NO [YES] --------------- I’m Telling: You bitch! Snitch on an opponent’s non-F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ creature causing JailDeath. You must also destroy one of your own non-F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ creatures, should you have any. Counter-Telling: If opponent has FedGov MyBuddy Mobile in hand, they may tattle first and shut it down- locking up one of your creatures without consequence

Daylight Savings

15/-

"Bro: where did the time go?" A sunflower seed soaked in research chemicals. A 4000-year old root worshiped by an obscure Nepalese tribe, but later stolen and implanted with nanites by Dr. Ling and his cyber-poison team. Crystals and geodes traditionally used by lawful good astrologers, now tuned to evil 5G frequencies. These are just some of the diabolical tools currently being concocted in the F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ Hollistic Hell Skunkworks. The latest is Daylight Savings, which is not simply a substance or drug but something more sophisticated entirely- a shared, consensual group hallucination, if you will. Metamechanically not dissimilar to the Mandela Effect or the 19th Amendment. With the snap of a finger (whose?), an hour is lost- or created. A day goes missing, the year shrinks to a mere 364 days (or is it 366?). One man on the west coast of NAMERAC, one on the east- would it shock you to learn that these men occupy two separate time “zones” entirely? With Daylight Savings, time slows to a trickle, while rushing to a lightning speed. Seconds go by like minutes, days like hours, hours like seconds, and so on. Compound dosing of Daylight Savings can make you ‘see into the future’, but the psycho-dolphin-fuckers in white lab coats disagree on whether these visions are true premonitions or simply hallucinations. All day trippers agree: the future is on fire. Cool lingo for when you take this drug: day tripping, daylighting, ‘noonblasting, dayblasting, riding the clock, etc. ----------------------------- Days Past: Daytripping are we? Well you're gonna need a friend that you trust, a comfortable environment, and plenty of water! ♦ Creature card becomes immobile for three (3) turns. Heals 150 HP per turn during this period. ♦ Any incoming damage is doubled. ♦ Can slip this drug into a STR 7-or-higher creature's trail mix as a cruel prank. ♦ "Why would you drug me with 25-i bro my dog just died you know I'm gonna have a bad trip

The FEMACUBE³

5/-

"The paradigm shift is coming. It’s codified into the dialectic. We are the pathfinders of the dialectic. We are the vanguard of the Aufklärung." You know this house is safe. You are safe here. You know We will always keep you safe forever. The comfort of the F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ is the comfort of a loving mother. Your fragmented psyche will be made whole again by the AI-generated television programs which are custom calibrated to enthrall and delight you. Your stress-induced delusions of persecution will be pharmacologically treated by a platoon of armed IRS agents. You will be regularly anesthetized to prevent discomfort during your indefinite vacation. You will not need to eat or bathe anymore in the warm safety of our medically-induced coma. Your signed confession will earn you one (1) guardian angel. You will breathe a sign of relief when your material possessions are confiscated and incinerated. Ice cream flavored saline solution is Wednesday’s treat. You are not lonely because your chatroom friends are in the adjacent cells. You will never need to leave. You are safe here. You know this house is safe. ------------------- C.U.B.E.D.³: The key to effective governance can be found in the Law of Triples. ♦ One (1) F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ card may be used three times in the same turn. Safely Sleeping: Nap indefinitely, SOcCred balance permitting. ♦ Put any number of your active creatures into a medically induced coma; ♦ Comatose creatures may not act, but also do not take DMG. ♦ Wake creature(s) at any time; but only all at once. ♦ Regardless of number of comatose creatures, this ability costs one (1) Funding Point per turn

IRS Stormtrooper

9/-

"Suspect begging for mercy; requesting permission to urinate all over him while he cries" IRS Stormtrooper has the best of both worlds: the gear/training/bladder of a US Army troopherokiller, with the local clout and sashay of a [insert area code] cophero. IRS Stormtroopers act as the enforcement arm of F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³’s personal financial reporting authority. They decided to go for a more ‘technofuturistic loan shark’ approach when dealing with debtors after the mid 21st, after realizing burnt car chassis and familythreat are statistically more effective that form letters and bank account levies. Loved for all for how fair and easy they make life. And average citizen with nothing to hide has nothing to fear- that is unless they forgot to file in 2059, the same year they got hired to paint that house for $2500. Knock knock. WARRANT: _active OUTSTANDING: 391.06 Petrocredits F³ ------------------------- Dog The Dog Hunter: Instant kill on dogs, 2X DMG on dog-owning creatures. The dog wasn’t being aggressive, Stormtrooper just wanted to see its skull leak brains. 6 AM Knock-Knock: Severe 6am beating. ♦ 300 DMG on first use, 200 DMG following. He’s already awake. Mine Until You Pay: You find your graphics card being sold on a police auction site. Buy it back? ♦ Steal any item or tactic card from your opponent’s hand; ♦ Opponent may pay one (1) Funding POint to retrieve. ♦ If opponent doesn’t pay, piss all over the card

Trumanning the President

1/-

"POTUS 68 rev. 1.3" There is a 1:1 model of Washington DC ("Nega-DC") in a central Nevada salt flat- the President of the United States of America lives and works there. He is doing an amazing job of running the nation and playing hardball with foreign heads of state, it's hard work. A down-to-earth guy despite being the most powerful man in the world, Mr. President hands out handmade pickled onions at the ‘Washington D.C.’ County Fair. He spends a lot of energy on making the perfect pickled onion, but he’s got time to take photos with constituents and answer tough Q’s from John and Jane Voter. We;ve got to be tough on crime, but it’s a balancing act, like getting the right mix of vinegar, salt, spices and Papa President’s Mystery Pickled Onion Flavor-Booster (molasses). Today is the big day. Blue Room pow-wow on Big Tech. Conference call with [REDACTED] re: stealth drone acquisition numbers. Televised statement on the New Olympus Mons hostilities. Good Afternoon NAMERAC live pickled onion demonstration. Theres one (1) problem: Everybody that the president interacts with today- and every day- is either a paid actor, a CIA handler, or a member of Nega DC’s fifty-thousand-member lighting and camera crew department. Generally, the aptly-named Secrets Service is able to shield against infohazards, but a complex system like this is bound to encounter failure. Eventually, The President is gifted a piece of contraband- a set of binoculars- from a visiting child. With them he realizes that his view of Washington Cathedral, which gave him strength in many a difficult time, is just a matte painting. Now that the viel is lifted, he walks forlorn out of the Nega White House, toward the horizon for miles and miles, until finally coming to a massive landfill, just outside of city limits. It’s full of his delicious homemade pickled onions. The President drops to his knees and weeps as a sniper’s red dot centers itself on his forehead- it’s all been a waste. --------------- Instant Presidentification: Turn one of the creatures you control into The President of the United States. This stays in effect until creature is destroyed. The POTUS can “pardon” any one (1) of your own cards from being discarded per turn

Wave Check Point

14/-

"Are you sure this is an official FedGov checkpoint? Sir?" Aite take the Silky off–wave check my nigga. Them shits better be on ocean. Both players roll d6. ----------------------------------- [d1-d3] “Roast Ya Shit”: "Your shits is NOT on swim my boy, you thought you was gettin off with that dusty ass flat ass shit." ♦ All creatures -3 SWG, bring next item card in deck into hand. Shuffle. [d4-d5] “Type Wavey”: "Okayy, ya shits kinda flee no funny. Keep at it, but maybe get a new barber tho cus that shape up iffy." ♦ 25 Emotional DMG and +2 SWG to all creatures. Gain 1 Narrative Point. [d6] “Silver Surfer”: "No funnyyy shit on my deadz bro, Ya shit surfy." ♦ Revive last slain creature, +300 HP to max HP. Ignore funding points next turn

Gay Gun Control Crisis Boy

11/-

"Baby boy did commercials for life thanks to a cia pedigree… No he’s laying back in his chair reminiscing on the set of Inside the Crisis Actor's Studio." Birthplace: Pubic, CA Gay: Yes *Laughs* I remember when they first came up with Parkland- the good ol’ days... It was the early days of 2018, and we saw the writing on the wall- we knew we had to pull out all the stops for the next smash hit. The limo pulled up to Comet Ping Pong and who do I see? Henry Kissinger, behind the wheel, he says get in, kid, you and me we’re goin’ places. He gives me the elevator pitch, and I could already tell, this was gonna be the next big thing. This is my moment. This is gonna make me a star. I look over and who do I see but Ol' Dan Schneider! He always had a great sense of humor - soon as he saw me I could tell he was undressing me with his eyes. Started to slide off my Nikes and I was like "Huh?" I'll never forget what he said: "Gun control? How about foot control! Hahaha!" ------------------------ Achilles Heel: While immune to gunfire, this card is critically weak against MONARCH programming techniques (e.g.: molestation by Dan Schneider). ♦ Immune to Guns DMG. ♦ 6X Molest DMG. Shame on You: Use a verbal attack for social warfare. ♦ 225 DMG to one target ♦ Stuns all opponent Whypeepo for one (1) turn; ♦ D.U.D.E: Fellas Rising cards are immune to this Gay Boy

Gifted Children's Research Program

13/-

"Is your wee one GIFTED? PRECOCIOUS? Apply for our Gifted Children's Research Program!! We are specially tailored for your lil’ gifted, bundle of joy!!!” Terms and conditions apply!!! Government facility underneath inconspicuous state campgrounds. Children are stolen from parked cars, tents, the woods, porta-potties (they have secret maintenance hatches at the bottom) and replaced with clones via this shadow government dark op to create super soldier. Babies and children are plugged into a giant nightmarish centrifuge food-processor-looking thing that injects them with hyper-Shit and and schtem cells harvested from the past failed experiment’s dead children. Cybernetic tech is also added to further enhance their bodies, and thus, their ability to kill. Oh yeah- Killer Kids. -------------------------------------------- Full Potential Realization Event (FPRE): Once the child's GIFTED potential is fully realized (trained to hunt and kill dissidents),he or she is released and sent out on a black ops kill mission. ♦ Destroy an enemy creature card of the ‘Revolutionary’ subtyp

Elite Bomb Shelter

4/-

"The future is here! And God is it a horror show!" Location: Subterranean New Zealand, 14 minutes from Panera (Bread) Zestimate: $800M Design Feature: Open concept, architect-inspired, bright and spacious, sweeping cathedral ceilings, breakfast bar, home theater playing 24-hour loop of nuclear detonation footage with classical music score. What's your life worth? Dead serious, answer that question, think about it. Got a number? Okay, take that number and multiply it by 1000- that's how much the Platinum Prestige Comfort & Utility Elite Bomb Shelter sells for. You can't afford to survive the brimstone and damnation, and even if you could you wouldn't justify the purchase due to a fundamental lack of self worth.. The target market- the elite- they love life, they love themselves, and they have the dough to do something about it. They know it’s worth the cost. They have something you don’t have: a little self confidence, a little thing called self esteem. They also have this little thing called money, you don't have any of that either. ------------------------------ Platinum Prestige Protection: Place up to three (3) creatures in Elite Bomb Shelter to protect them from DMG. ♦ Sheltered creatures can still use abilities inside Elite Bomb Shelter, but they cannot affect the outside world (they may heal each other, apply buffs/lotion, charge attacks for a later turn, etc.) ♦ Elite Bomb Shelter has 2000 HP, if destroyed it will kill all occupants instantly. ♦ Bomb Shelter takes 0.25X DMG from explosive attacks (resistant). Can be lockpicked; ♦ Moving creatures into/out of Elite Bomb Shelter takes one (1) full turn.

Homeland Security Sexual Threat Scale

16/-

"We are currently at a Code Blue. You better hope to God we don't see a Code Magenta." [Play this card face-down until the rules say to reveal it.] Beginning in 2020 after the rise of Rainbow R!ot, FedGov had to develop their own threat advance warning system to combat the Gay Agenda. The system carefully monitors AIDS outbreaks and attempts to associate them with the corresponding Grindr accounts, in order to pin down culprits before they can strike again. F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ agents assigned to this task force are thoroughly vetted for homosexuality, and forced at gunpoint to take the Heterosexual Pledge. -------------------- Condemnation: Pause the game to accuse the other player of being gay in real life- act legitimately suspicious. Use any of their past actions which may cast doubt on their character as evidence. Make it as convincing as possible and demand they confess. Do not prematurely reveal that these accusations stem from the usage of this card or you lose the game. Once opponent is sufficiently stressed out, reveal this card. All enemy Rainbow R!ot cards take 250 PSI damage from having their covers blown. This ability may be used more than one time per game. Hetero Iron Dome: Whenever the opponent wishes to play a Rainbow R!ot card, they must show you the card first and wait one (1) additional turn before playing it. This gives you time to prepare your sexuality for the inevitable full-frontal assault. Roundup: Send in an army of IRS agents to make sting operations at gloryholes across the country. Two (2) enemy Rainbow R!ot cards are arrested and unable to act for two (2) turns. This ability may only be used one (1) time per game, as once the trap is sprung, the Gay Agenda will finally learn to encrypt their dick pics. Additionally, tease and tickle your opponent’s thing under the table until he pulls it out (pretend you don’t know what’s going on), then when he does, aggressively grab it and try to smash/fuck up his nuts hospital-style while grinning at him like the Joker

FEMACUBE Vivisection Colony 821a Major

17/-

"Wow! I'm so glad I was chosen as one of the human elite- the first to ever establish a space colony! I was afraid my obesity and low IQ would hold me back, but I guess anything is possible- especially with F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³'s help! :) " Space colony on an artificial planet orbiting a ‘mini’ black hole. (roughly 3.5 solar masses). There's no sunlight, but that doesn't bother me! I'm totally content to play OverWar Twinks 3D (a popular game for retarded children) with my friends, while waiting for my organs to be harvested. In OverWar Twinks 3D I play a kitsune-chan (sexy fox) mage/gunwizard- basically DPS with a touch of magical buffing and high dodge. What? No, I'm not worried about the organ thing. They cut into the healthy people first, so long as I keep playing OverWar Twinks 3D and rotting in my useless body, I’m safe. PS: Also if any of my Colony 821a Major ex-friends are reading this (Kitthu, MarJoni, Coopl0x.. Yeah Coopl0x- you too). F** you. I know you guys said I manipulated Bruto but the funny thing is: Bruto is bi, and he was feeling rather hetero the night we hung out and didn't let me do anything sexual except rub our tails together. We stayed up all night in my PodX® watching NebulaSims, it was incredibly beautiful >.< Keep talking shit about me, u guys literally still play Little Big Bimbo Planet and are just mad I don't wanna watch Flying Spaghetti Monster Westerns with you on Rabb.it. I’m over ur little space opera drama club BS, I have new friends now. SUCK IT -------------------------- Fun Colony 821a Major Facts #1: Colony 821a Major has a surface gravity of 400, conveniently pinning you to your gaming chair/operating table and removing the need for cumbersome uncomfortable restraints. This allows F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ robotic organ-retrieval specialists to work efficiently and without the use of expensive anesthetics (I heard one chew of NeuroToxy™ Bubble-Jum is over 45,000 space dollars. Worst part: they don’t even let you blow bubbles unless you’re on MinervaCare). ♦ Non-F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ creatures with a STR of 5 or lower are immobilized and cannot attack (may still use non-physical abilities). Fun Colony 821a Major Facts #2: Colony 821a Major performs more than six million vivisections a year! All robotic organ-retrieval specialists employed by the colony have cybernetic brains… cybernetic, powerful, Woman of Color brains. Thanks to FedGov™’s new POCks ‘n’ WOCks in Space initiative, these organs will save Black Lives & Black Bodies all over the galaxy! ♦ Sacrifice a creature to vivisect it. A friendly F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ creature may absorb its stats and HP

Forced Sterilization

13/-

"$25,000 in food credits and casino tokens* from Gates Foundation, and all we ask is you sacrifice the only thing FedGov™ can't prevent you from doing." *Cash prize valued at $461.25 after adjusting for inflation Have you ever looked in a child's eyes? Your own child even? Would you really give that up for any number of Bulky Boys™ Botato** Chips? A lifetime supply of Phat Momma's Hip-Hop Coook-E*** Crunchers®? The most precious thing in the world and you sold it for what? A chance to win big at the Sweeney Todd-themed pachinko machine (Wicked Winnings™)?! **Botato contains over 95% genuine Canola Oil, with 5% Soy! *** Cook-Es made with 100% real Canola Oil. ------------------------------- Eugenius: Players can't play a creature unless they sacrifice one already in play. This penalty does not apply to F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ or Rainbow Riot creatures. Monsanto for Humans: You cannot play strong or beautiful creatures.

Terrorist Training Simulator

17/-

"Children are playing a game that encourages them to have sex with prostitutes and then murder them. This is a silent epidemic of media desensitization that teaches kids it's okay to diss people because they are a woman, they're a different color or they're from a different place." - Hillary Rodham Clinton. Victims: 164,084,311 First Appearance: October 1958 Number Of People Pissed Off: All the parents in the world. Lowest Moment: Revolution 60 Terrorist Training Simulator is a fun virtual reality experience that trains people to commit act of global [REDACTED] and mass indiscriminate [REDACTED], which rocks. Oculus Grift support only, but a 2D port is scheduled for Q3 (way less immersive). -------------------------------------------------------------- The League Of Legends: Log 2000+ hours in the game. ♦ +50 DMG boost and MAX FYT for three (3) turns

Water Crisis

16/-

"Water is so boring I start thinking about tits as soon as you talk about it." F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ Space Amusements Ltd. new directive: scout sector B-9POX-a Quadrozed for asteroid of suitable size/quality to host the biggest and best ever zero-G funpark for Grand Hullyunghan Gyosujin (FedGov Grand Senior Military Staff). Cover story to explain massive spending: Water Crisis. Must find ice-rich asteroid by 2150 or everyone on Earth dies of thirst! (This of course will be sometime after all the ice caps melt from gas-guzzling muscle cars driving too fast!) Just because the Water Crisis is engineered and totally unnecessary doesn’t make it any less real. Be careful when discussing this sci-fi concept not to inadvertently upset the people who are doing it for real. …Water tastes gross anyways. ---------------- Do Something: Discard inactive cards in hand; draw new until you get two (2) The Hive cards, two (2) Team PinkBean cards. These useful idiots are your revolutionary coalition of world saving plucky underdogs– zero-G-funpark here we come

What to Do If There’s a Shooter

17/-

Official FedGov™ Emergency Active Shooter Survival Manual rev. 6.6.6 • Call FedGov™ SafePolice® IMMEDIATELY!-- SafPolice® are experts in dealing with Human Beings and Human Bodies in EC (Emotional Crisis) Keep the Shooter at arm's length or better yet, in a different room. It will take approximately 180 minutes for SafePolice® to respond (or you don’t pay!*) If you have a weapon, attempt to shoot out the MC (Magazine-Clip) from his hand, or disable him in some other non-lethal way. This is what professional crisis interventionists do. *Terms and Conditions apply! • According to Senator Darth Diane Feinstein of Israel, an Active Shooter will VD (Voluntarily Disarm and DE (De-Escalate) the situation when he sees there are no police or guns anywhere. Diane baby is a sexpert on all forms of GV (Gun Violence) and should not be assassinated. • If the shooter is holding a IGW (IllegalGunWeapon) or CG (CrimeGun) to Diane Feinstein’s jewhead, do NOT attempt to intervene. Instead, wait for trained GV security to disarm the perpetrator with non-lethal Nerf® cannons and calm yelling. As tragic as it would be if Diane Feinstein were assassinated, you don’t want to risk agitating an Active Shooter who may already be in a compromised mental state due to SO (SYstematic Oppression) and being exposed to violent films and video games. • When the active shooter situation has been DE’d, do NOT test the shooter’s blood for antidepressants or psychotropic mood-altering pharmaceuticals - which are Safe® and you should ask your HP (Healthcare Provider) about them. And as a matter of fact, if you are even thinking about taking a [device] to Pfizer’s HQ (HeadQuarters) in New York City and leaving it in the lobby and hopefully at least getting one or two execs hit with shrapnel, you better not! • Remember, if your shooter is black, hispanic, or arab, you will NOT be making the news. That means you’re free to piss your pants and run for your life without fear of embarrassment. Trip some other fleeing bystanders so they fall and the Shooter gets them first-there’s no need to be dignified. This is your LIFE we’re talking about here! This has been a message from your FPs (Friendly Partners). Friends don’t let friends look up crime statistics** **Don’t you dare! • ALL *clap* ACTIVE *clap* SHOOTERS *clap* ARE *clap* GOING *clap* THROUGH *clap* AN *clap* EMOTIONAL *clap* CRISIS. There’s no way to be a ‘perfect’ ally to an Active Shooter, as they are as diverse as you and me and all have different needs and priorities. Be respectful, do your best, and remember to start by EDUCATING YOURSELF- it’s important to have conversations with spree killers when possible, but it’s also important for you to seek out resources and information on your own. One of the simplest ways to calm an Active Shooter down without making they/them feel overwhelmed or cornered is to express empathy/Stockholm’s Syndrome– Why are you shooting me?--Why do you feel this way?--What did Daddy do to you?--if racist cops converge on your Shooter, assist him (or her if your Shooter is Robert E. “Crimo” III) in escaping to find MHA (Mental HEalth Assistance). This message has been brought to you by Justice Everyone Wants, another great FedGov Advisory Greeting

World Health Organization Satellite Realm B

11/-

"OMG! Are you sick??? That's horrible. Have some corn syrup." Location: Big secret, but smart money's Uranus. Heh. Prime Directive: To study the origin and spread of intergalactic STIs Actual Prime Directive: Promoting interspecies marriage, encouraging alien sex; destroying earth-centric conception of "humanoid/vertebrate family.” Did you know that they're calling interplanetary pandemics gandemics, now? Whenever I try to pronounce it I accidentally say "gaydemic". This is a disability, okay, I'm not a bigot. Please don't report me. In fact, if you do report me I'll report you– for ableism. ------------------------- Common Intergalactic STIs: HIV:VE: Humanoid Immunodeficiency Virus: Venus Edition. Basically AIDS for lesbians; originally found in thermophilic jellies native to the Kŭmsōng Vallis. ♦ Any female creature adjacent to another female creature is marked for death (destroyed after five (5) turns). Antenna Warts: You'd think humans would be immune. Unfortunately, the warts grow on your optic nerve, instead. ♦ Any biological creature adjacent to an Aliens faction creature attacks a random target every turn for five (5) turns. WHOoties: WHOoties are an STI designed and manufactured by the WHO to depress Earthling fertility. ♦ Turn all Male Human creatures facedown. They're useless but they take up space and cannot be replaced

Israeli Art Student

10/-

"מיין עלטערן זענען חכמים און האַס אַז איך גיין אין קונסט שולע (totally incoherent yelling)” Name: Yossi Cohen Height: 5'7" Weight: 135 lbs Place of Birth: Battle of Golan Heights Foreskin: Cut NYU art student majoring in sketching the interiors of federal intelligence buildings and minoring in federal agent portraits. Works primarily in graphite, oils, and thermite. Originally served his mandatory Israeli military service by scraping the bottom of combat vehicles (there's lots of built up [REDACTED] under them). ---------------- Krav Maga Temper Tantrum: Roll up in a ball on your back on the ground, kick at anyone who comes near you and threaten to call your uncle Yaakov. ♦ Israeli Art Student deals 75 DMG to any attacking creature for the next three (3) turns; ♦ Reduce incoming DMG by 50%. Embedded Asset: Opponent must reveal to you the next three (3) cards from his Draw Pile and may not look at them himself. He's with Us: White Glove Urban Movers, huh? You boys pick up couches and dressers? With those tiny wrists? ♦ Israeli Art Student blends in perfectly with the locals. Cannot be attacked by Thin Blue Whine or F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ creatures.

Lazarus Rejuvenation

13/-

"Death is just the beginning... of their usefulness to us." - Leopold von Schrenckm You can revive people who would normally be non-clonable and permadead. At least half of the subject’s brain must be intact for this ability to work. Once you’ve collected enough corpse fragments, coat them with biostasis spray* to prevent further decomposition and the extraction team will dump the guts into the next available cloner. With enough spray, biostasis can last an indefinite period of time, so basically you can keep allies' brains in your inventory and do this when you get around to it. *DO NOT EAT --------------- Unholy Gravebirth: Use this card to ‘clone’ one of your F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ creatures from your discard pile. Cloned card is destroyed again five (5) turns later, due to instability of biostasis matrix

False Flag Attack

15/-

"With the power of my A-R.... something something." - Florida Shooter Kid Really sloppy jobs done by high school stoners - like the plot of the movie Slackers. Can these lovable losers get their act together long enough to pull off the big heist?? (in this case a school shooting) Some of these attacks aren’t remotely believable. And why do they keep happening in Florida? Why is there such a high concentration of white kids with aspergers? --------------- Just As Planned: Choose any opponent-controlled creature. That creature murders the creature next to it, and one (1) randomly selected friendly creature, in what is surely an honest-to-goodness genuine spree-killing and NOT highly coordinated public theater. ♦ F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ high chancellor of GV (Gun Vio), Senator Darth Diane Feinstein, declares enough is enough, and it’s tim eto once-and-for-all ban IGWs (IllegalGunWeapons) and CGs (CrimeGuns); ♦ Place a Gun Control counter on all of your opponent's creatures. A creature suffering from the Gun Control debuff cannot attack with projectile weapons (even if majicka-based or otherwise clearly not involving a gun); ♦ Opponent may pay two (2) Funding Points to purchase black market weapons (all Gun Control counters removed).

FOSTER, TERRY Incident Report 1a

12/-

“Part 1 of a multi-page incident report detailing the activities of an individual sheeple named FOSTER, TERRY. Data collected by CIA 3 (Dark Green). Do not redistribute.” Name: FOSTER, TERRY Occupation: CALL CENTER OPERATOR for MEMBER’S ADVANTAGE WELLNESS CLUBS AND RESORTS Location: ROCHESTER, NY Age: 41 Marital Status: SEPARATED Incident Report 1a Agent [REDACTED] logged Suspicious Home Computer Activity (SHCA) by subject FOSTER, TERRY after recieving AUTOMATED CITIZEN TERROR WARNING 7. The following actions were taken on FOSTER, TERRY's computer 'DELLHOMEOFFICE-1' - - 5/3/2036 to 5/4/2036. Request for closer monitoring of subject FOSTER, TERRY pending approval by FEDGOV-4. Purchase History: ♦ ₦2,000 - “My Digital Life Coach and Spiritual Advisor” ♦ ₦340 - assorted athletic shoes and men’s 3-in-1 scented asswash ♦ ₦15 - BBW Plumper Pass for BBW Bitch Booty Pussy Porn Search History: ♦ How Did My Wife Divorce me ♦ Do Any Local Parents Have any Legel Evidence that my Son Is playing Killing Games ♦ How To Stop Your Son Playing Killing Games On The XBox ♦ Is MegaDeath Gay ♦ Are Sex Offender Allowed In Laser Tag ♦ Is MegaDeath Satan ♦ Does satan Hate God ♦ Satanic XBox Help Chat ♦ Adam Sandler Memorabilia EBay ♦ Chat Room SAtan Help ♦ Piss Porn pee For further information, see FOSTER, TERRY Incident Report 1b

FOSTER, TERRY Incident Report 1b

15/-

“Part 2 of a multi-page incident report detailing the activities of an individual sheeple named FOSTER, TERRY. Data collected by CIA 3 (Dark Green). Do not redistribute.” Incident Report 1b At 1120 HOURS, subject FOSTER, TERRY was captured on security camera #96-b - - DUNKIN' COFFEE on 50 CLINTON ST, ROCHESTER, NY 14620 SIDE PARKING LOT OVERHEAD ANGLE #4 STEREOSCOPIC (Audio Disabled). While the automated beverage delivery system prepared the standard coffee and opiate blend for FOSTER, TERRY, the robot barista’s “small talk” subroutine queried FOSTER, TERRY with the following: “Greetings flesh entity of indeterminate gender identity and sexual orientation! Isn’t it a great day to appreciate all the FedGov has done for us?” Instead of the correct answer (“SPORT BALL IS GOOD”) facial expression and tone analysis suggests FOSTER, TERRY made a FROWNY SAD FACE and declined to respond to “small talk” with the SmartBarista AI. As outlined in the CIA 3 (Dark Green) BEHAVIORAL MODEL GUIDEBOOK, withdrawing from daily “small-talk” conversations with software subroutines or fellow workers is often an early indicator of dangerous antisocial behavior patterns. Seeing this, Agent [REDACTED] deemed it critical that FOSTER, TERRY be constantly bombarded with therapeutic socialization to halt the gestation of said antisocial behavior patterns. FRIEND 1 and FRIEND 2 then repeatedly called FOSTER, TERRY over and over again for hours, and left a combined 214 voicemails featuring a variety of FedGov approved non-threatening sports/news/entertainment talking points. For further information, see FOSTER, TERRY Incident Report 1c.

FOSTER, TERRY Incident Report 1c

12/-

“Part 3 of a multi-page incident report detailing the activities of an individual sheeple named FOSTER, TERRY. Data collected by CIA 3 (Dark Green). Do not redistribute.” Incident Report 1c Logs obtained at www.IllegalCrime.com indicate that FOSTER, TERRY logged into an internet computer screen website chat using the name "terryfosterrochesterny". Also in the chat site was agent [REDACTED] (at the time using the alias “CrimeFan420”) and Agent [REDACTED] (alias “COPKILLER6”). Agent [REDACTED] used classic Psychology 101 and advanced Cyber Infiltration techniques to lure FOSTER, TERRY into Class 1 Criminal Intent charge (see attached chatlog). terryfosterrochesterny: anyone here ever did a crime terryfosterrochesterny:: i Need someone To Do a Crome terryfosterrochesterny: Crime CrimeFan420: Hey there *looks you up and down* haven't seen you around these parts.. Heh *Lights cig* terryfosterrochesterny: Crime* CrimeFan420: They call me Crime Fan, you could say I know a thing or two about criminals, doing crimes, writing my own rules.. *looks around to make sure no one is watching* But my services arent free.. whats your name ?? terryfosterrochesterny: terry foster CrimeFan420: Heh.. welcome to the underworld *Reaches out for a handshake* terryfosterrochesterny: I want To Steal Money CrimeFan420: Your speaking my laguage now, Terry. *fistbumps you, pulls out a new cig* so what you thinking, small time job, big score? I got some connects at the Boston harber, heard there's some big stuff coming in soon.. *brushes ash off my leather jacket nonchalanteley* terryfosterrochesterny: I'm Playing my sons Killing Game .How do I Steal Money in the Killing Game CrimeFan420: You're probably gonna need a team.. *looks up at the sky, remembering* Hey! I know a guy, his name's COPKILLER6, he's done some of the biggest crimes COPKILLER6: sup terryfosterrochesterny: Is p]laying killing games Illegal CrimeFan420: Nah, that's not illegal.. Unless you mean killing for sport, like it's your own sick twisted game *flicks lighter, staring at flames* Terry are you saying you want to kill people in real life? Say yes or no please COPKILLER6: yo terry you new here ? terryfosterrochesterny: Yes COPKILLER6: nice nice.. hey man do you like sports? whats your home address terryfosterrochesterny: 4801 Comer street suite 18 Rochester ny 14620 It was at this time that Agent [REDACTED] was able to obtain the home address of FOSTER, TERRY using advanced computer forensics and cyberdata tracking. FOSTER, TERRY was successfully apprehended, and is currently being re-educated on LUNAR PRISON COLONY LUNA b-7 MAX, Yellow Quadrant, Cell Block 81 (Violent Rapist Housing

FunVax

13/-

“Have you lost weight??” FunVax is a moniker for the more technical name of ‘Monsanto TGR-Injectiquile PCR-v6.10.0’ listed in the BIG PILL BOOK OF MEDICINES AND TREATMENTS (Now with quizzes!). This drug needed a desperate rebrand- sheeple hesitance was originally HIGH/VERY-HIGH due to its extreme (but worth it) side effects, but now people are excited when their DoctorNerd jabs it deep inside. FunVax wipes the slate clean- side effects from experimental bio-therapy, radio blasting, bio trolling and the like can stack up after a short period of daily medical interventions. Once applied, these pesky symptoms are washed away via shit/piss/puke and the subject’s illnesses remain; now easily visible to the heroic twerking 210lb Chim-Tok nurse (She’s being taken out for MIMOSAS after her 13 hour shift). Now, we can retry treatment. ! ! Tell that ugly resident girl to bring in the MRI rifle ! ! SIDE EFFECTS OF FUNVAX: REMOVAL OF SIDE EFFECTS, WET SHITTING OF ALL FOODMASS, SOILING UNDERS, PEE A LOT EVERY TEN-MINUTE INTERVAL, PUKE IT ALL UP NOW, IT’S ALL THE NASTYS COMING OUT AND IT WILL BE OVER SOON! This injectiqule is a joy to partake in after 72 FedHours of pee-poop draining users report feeling an ‘afterglow’. Maybe they looked in the mirror and noticed they lost 10lbs. Maybe the prozac parasites being washed away makes them feel alive again. Not for long though, an appointment a day keeps they grim reaper away- see you tomorrow. ------------------- Clean Slate: Wipe the table of all tactics, challenges, debuffs, buffs, plot twists, and skills. Draw two (2) additional cards and add to hand. -> all creatures stunned for one (1) turn. Get the nasty out

G.I.D.

13/-

"Real Eyes Realize Real Lies." Everything you have ever witnessed in your life was a carefully orchestrated forgery. Your possessions are nearly all rental pieces from the prop department. The people you have met, even those you’ve known for years and hold closest to you, are actors on the payroll of the world’s largest comedy troupe (look for a flesh-tone earpiece). Even the thoughts in your head-while some may be organic-many are the product of ever-present pulses of binaural sound emanating from the “headache gun” mounted atop the Chevy Astro* parked outside your house this very moment (it’s not actually a pizza delivery sign-are you naive?) Those not in the know don’t see anything out of the ordinary, but those in the know, they can see it’s all Glow-in-the-Dark. Citizens (feeders AKA sheeple) are running in circles with daily distractions custom-tuned to maximally headzap them and keep them backflipping through the flaming rings of FedGov street theater. Restaurant owners often get fake delivery orders throughout the day, for food items that cannot and should not ever exist. Police get fake calls about domestic disputes at fast food parking lots, calls that lead them on a wild goose chase. calls that originate from a phone inside their own precinct- it doesn't make any sense. FedGov licensed carpenters drill holes in your house’s support beams and insert termite eggs (but why would they re-tile the entire bathroom in a nearly identical, but subtly different color? Was that the real spoof?) These special tactics ensure the average sheeple is too busy scratching his head over an optical illusion in their toilet bowl to notice the Glow-in-the-Dark shit all over the walls, towel rack, faucet handles, vanity mirror, etc. ----------------------------- Cut Open all of the Basketballs at the County Rec Center: Damn it! Coach has to drive to DICK’S in a hurry, what a hassle! ♦ Stun an enemy for two (2) turns. ♦ -$300, 10 basketballs ♦ -$18, 87 grade gasoline. Give Your Dog Ringworm: Agent injects dog with vacks-resistant North Korean Super Ringworm. Damn it. gotta book a vet now- Tobie (your dog) is shittin' blood! ♦ Enemy stunned for one (2) turn. ♦ 300 DMG to any pet/animal creature. Delete All of Your Enemy's Contacts: Damn it, did my phone reset again? Gotta ask everyone on Facebook for their numbers- again! ♦ Put an enemy creature card to the side- it is isolated from team effects, such as friendly healing, buffs, faction, synergies, etc. ♦ Isolate card can still attack and use abilities- just none that affect/ involve other friendly cards

Let’s Start Over

MegaNet: You're Gonna Love This Net™

3/-

"Hybrid Jewish-Mayan Zeptotronic Simulation." Height: 2004 Weight: more than you can handle First Appearance: Leibniz's journals Overarching Goal: Assimilation Quote: (sweating really hard, concentrating, brow furrowed) "Inculcate coherence.... restore subjective unity required to structure tota ordinall information... render model useful and actionable by master system subroutines...." This is either a really cool computer network or a real big tuna net that catches lots of dolphins and seals every time you try to fish for tuna. You sell the dolphin meat for a lil extra dough. But, regarding the computer version: It's basically the Al Gore internet but the sequel. Same contestants, same undersea cables... but a whole new potpourri of whacked-out challenges. --------------- Reboot - - - Net-Wide Data Outage: Opponent must turn all cards facedown. Stats and abilities are scrambled but cards may still act (players take turns randomly guessing what they do) Adversary (User) Detected - - - Black I.C.E.: Check opponent’s phone- if wifi or Bluetooth are enabled, electrocute his head. Detection is tantamount to death, Obsucrity is the security. Opponent must place phone in a lead and coloidal silver-lined security bag in order to have you remove taser from side of his head. If no such security bag is present, continue electrocution until tenn (10) game turns have been completed.

Power Plant Meltdown

6/-

"РЕАКТОР РАСПЛАВЛЯЕТСЯ О БОГ МОЙ, БОГ МОЙ, МЫ ДОЛЖНЫ УЙТИ!!!" Nuclear Fallout devastates the land before you. No one is safe (except for lead-lined or hazmat-equipped cards). -------------------- Stage 4 Mutation: The heat, radiation, and bioslime-line craters that pockmark the battlefield gives creature cards gross mutations and cancer. ♦ All creatures get -3 STR, -2 INT, +2 NRG, +3 PSI; ♦ Causes Terminally Ill Effect -25 Poison DMG per turn for the rest of the creature’s life

Protection Threat

13/-

"This kid called my disabled son a 'retard' and I didn't even get mad... he's just too charming." You know how to word your threats so that, even if they fail, you won’t be in the wrong. This means you can intimidate and insult Heads of State and basically get away with it. If you fail the dialogue check, you gain nothing, but won't be arrested or fined, ‘cus what are they gonna say? This skill is a prerequisite of creating The Perfect Bully. ------------- Annoying Shit: As long as this card remains active on the field, you can punch your opponent in the arm every time they draw a card.

Robocall from the President

17/-

"Welcome to [Hell]" "How are your [genital warts]? How are your [problems]? Your [dad] works [harder] than [you]. Your [dad] can solve the [problems] you can't." You've tried blocking the President's number, but she just calls from another phone. The entire White House has been converted into a robocall teleharassment office. Her autotuned voice wheedles and chastises all of her callboys. You also get robocalls from Fake Presidents, trying to sell you pills. (Fake Presidents are employed by Big Pill.) ------- [Dad] never loved [you]: Torment an enemy creature with incessant calls. ♦ Reduce its INT by 5. ♦ 25 Emotional DMG. ♦ Enemy player must call their dad and ask him if he actually loves them. If he doesn't answer, he doesn't love you. (destroy the tormented enemy creature)

Sequencing Database

3/-

"Knowledge is half the battle." Know exactly which mutation is in any given Mutagen Syringe. You can view the list of every mutation and exactly what they do. Implementing them without the news media finding out is another matter entirely. We still don't know what's in that pornstar's ass cheeks. ---------- Insider Knowledge: Have your opponent fan out their hand (the back of the cards still facing you). Select one card from their hand. Your opponent must recite the effect and/or description of the card

Sheeple Chipper

17/-

"Chips Ahoy!" --Cosplaying Pirate who is actually a medical doctor tasked with chipping your whole fucking block The original model apparently looked too 'dangerous and medical', (in reference to the MK I Sheeple Chipper). Yes, it did look like the pistol from Dead Space, but it's function over form, at least in this statistically-driven-prison-society-with-machine-wardens we've all taken unwilling residence in. Our solution to people’s aversion to the Sheeple Chipper is a little unorthodox. admittedly. - Replace medical staff with dressed-up birthday pirates. - Hide the Sheeple Chipper MK I inside a toy blunderbuss pirate gun, call it the Sheeple Chips Ahoyer MK II. - Give patient a tube with blended Chips Ahoy cereal & milk paste to suck on during procedure - Give patient a 2-for-$5 Family Size Chips Ahoy Cereal Coupon upon completion of procedure (Kroger only). Function: Sheeple Chipper is used to tag sheeple with 'Implantable ID Chip' (See: Implantable ID Chip, item) ------------------- Ahoy Matey!: Dress up as a pirate and recite Jack Sparrow quotes as you pick two (2) target creatures to chip. ♦ Sheeple = Chipped: You may now locate these creatures no matter where they are; search opponent’s discard/draw piles if need be, just find them! ♦ Disable Saliva: Target creature can no longer heal via consumables. ♦ Disable Fingers: Target creature is incapable of using items. ♦ Disable Balls and Penis: Target creature can no longer perform sex or rape attacks (can still get fucked

Targeted Individual Database

15/-

"Artificial sun projecting fake daylight into my apartment creating fake shadows as the decoy cars are parked exactly where the FBI officials told them to… Of course… Currently sitting in my apartment waiting for the actors to disperse." - overheard on Schizotok Welcome to the "Good & Governments Gangstalking & Gaslighting Guys & Girls" (Targeted Individual Database) Program! The cops are your friends and they're all just watching you because they all think you are really cool and want to hang out with you. They sit in their cubicles watching your every move fantasizing about one day being best friends with you and they have framed photos of you on their nightstands that they kiss with lipstick every night. Every cop in the world has a personal shrine of thousands of zoomed in grainy traffic camera photos of your face, all connected with red string on an evidence board, the red string spelling out the sentence "My Secret Friend." You're on a list all right - a list labeled "Pretty Cool Guys". ---------------- Good Mind Games: five (5) turns after Targeted Individual Database is put into play, all enemy creature cards fall victim to a twisted government mental harassment scheme (or so they want to think) ♦ Enemy creatures currently in play are now Gangstalked ♦ Gangstalked debuff Reduces STR and PSI by half (½) of their original values. Round up if necessary My Good Reality: Thanks to the Targeted Individual Database. all friendly creatures currently suffering from the Gangstalked debuff are now instead endowed with the Goodstalked buff. ♦ Your best friends are watching you perform-uplifting +2 boost to STR

Targeted Mutations

21/-

"I always wanted to be taller. And blue" Genetic Composition: Gas station dick pills, baby sacrifice stem cells, monkeypox blood, water (unfiltered). A green soup of random genetic detritus that targets cellular inefficiencies. Let's face it - you have no girth. I'm talking about down there. This will fix that. Along with all of your other insecurities. Just make sure to ignore the warning label. The Warning Label (Do Not Read): May cause: - Testicular Swelling - Bone Vibration - Nystagmus - Necrosis of the Liver - Hamster Brain - Kid-Knees - Frontal Dip - Urge to Vote - Hey, Ouch! - Dizziness - Botswana Hotstep (Ingwe-Butu Fever) - Nocock - Turned into a baby - Became a Gay Guy - Nigger’s* Disease - Testicular Pulverization and Explosion - Painal - Coconut Eyes (Magnus Oculosious) *Named after Dr. Horatio Nigger, Ph-D the original discoverer of this rare affliction (not an actual use of the N-Word). -------------- Deformation Mutation Compensation: This item may only be used on F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ creatures. Add five (5) points to any stat and subtract five (5) poinys to any stat for three (3) turns

Schtephen Hawkin

10/-

"When man and time dies, it shall be I who remains." Stephen Hawking from an alternate reality where he never got ALS, BUT he did cybernetically enhance himself to become a giant ed209 type robot war machine. Turns out his facial deformity is natural, ALS didn't cause it. Schtephen's got the same fucked up shit going on. ---------------------------- The Only 'God' that Exists, is ME: Using your weaponized intelligence, Rick and Morty reddit atheist mentality and can-do attitude, you convert all atheists into believers. Summon an army of Newly Converted INTJ kids to assist you in battle. ♦ 50 DMG Event Horizon SuperBlaster: Harness the power of the dark matter and shoot a mini black hole that resets the time/space balance and rips your enemy into 6 fractal hell dimensions. ♦ 150 DMG. *Small chance to spawn Schmevphen Wharkeng, a Schtephen Hawkin from another alternate universe that the black hole is connected to. Schmevphen Wharkeng is neither a scientist nor kill-bot, here he's a 'campig'- which is basically a celebrity

FedGov MyBuddy Mobile

12/-

FedGov MyBuddy Mobile is a mandatory freeware mobile app that keeps you up-to-date on your GPS location, current viral load status, hoax awareness level (AKA Truman’s rating) and current mental state (out of four possibilites total: 1-Happy, 2-Glad, 3-Satisfied, and 4-Dangerously Antisocial/Paranoid). Your AI 'MyBuddy' is a high ranking federal marshal — With FedGov MyBuddy Mobile, you can save tons of tim- Vote via sms message, snitch on your neighbors wirelessly, be notified when you're coughing too much and need to be tested for the killvirus, and so much more. Data fees apply. MyBuddy loves to chat. your MyBuddy will often text you and check up on you or show up at your place to perform a courtesy wellness check: “(1/2) This is [SCOTT], your FEDGOV MYBUDDY MOBILE Federal Marshal. You have expressed interest in [VOTE FOR PRESIDENT]. Would you like to vote from [Brandon’s iPhone]? Text YES or NO." "Yes" “(2/2) Thank you for [VOTE FOR PRESIDENT], great choice! Are you interested in the FEDGOV MYBUDDY SNITCH-’n’-SAVE program? Earn rewards, coupons, and special offers NOW. Data fees apply. Text YES or NO" “no” “Uh-oh!” Looks like you're getting close to a [SECTOR B-05 PERIMETER]. If seeking passage to a new sector, please have your MyPapers conveniently and easily available for verification at [ACCESS POINT TANGO STRIP SEARCH REQUIRED]. Failure to verify your MyPapers will result in [LOCKDOWN] and we'll [BLOW UP YOUR PHONE] for safekeeping. Would you like to sign up for the FEDGOV MYBUDDY NASAL BLUETOOTH TETHER POINT? Data fees apply. Type 'Yes'... ------------------------- You Got A Friend In Me: Steal an enemy creature's phone and respond 'No' to his MyBuddy. ♦ Terror Level is escalated to ESCALATED ♦ Target creature now receives 3X DMG from F.E.M.A.C.U.B.E.³ attacks. ♦ If creature survives, they have to apologize to their MyBuddy and promise to never be a bad friend like that- never ever again.

Resonant Mesh

5/-

"Things are things. I am nothing." AKA: สัตว์ประหลาดโลหะ , Mtu wa fumbo , The Assembler , Kovač smrti, Ol’ Metal Bones Height: Variable. The Biggest Resonant Mesh has been spotted at is — (Kuala Lumpur 1999) Kill Count: Actual total — confirmed Resonant Mesh is barely a creature,- more a physical form conjured by a malicious magnetic force. The first RM-positive sighting of Mesh was in 1959 at a Kansas City refrigerator factory. The reports are scant with factual information: Workers heard a resonant sound that grew from quiet hum to ear-splitting screech. Workers immediately triggered emergency power cut. Small metallic items began rolling across factory floor (nuts & bolts, flanges, pens, etc). Then larger items, entire refrigeration units; buildings galvanized steel water piping, cars parked outside- - drawn with great force/speed toward a pile of all of the site's collective metallic objects. Witness describes formation of a silhouette resembling a —”. Every person in the factory (save for one witness) was killed by phatasm itself or falling debris- total 47 souls. Witness says after approx. ten minutes force abated and collected metal objects fell straight to the floor lifeless. Cleaning crew sent to factory site; bodies burned; found no evidence of paranormal activity — consistent with witness statement; witness euthanized off-site and properly disposed of RM-positigve sightings are reported around the globe with frequently, but with no discernable pattern. It's suspected Mesh has been documentation of its existence began. ----------------------------------------- Resonate Assemble: This creature must assemble itself taking one (1) turn. All item cards with metal components (Firearms, Tech, Swords etc.) are commandeered by Resonant Mesh until it is destroyed. The Force (Magnetic): Resonant Mesh swings 40,000 lbs of scrap metal at a target creature. ♦ 900 DMG ♦ Flip a coin. If heads: all enemy creatures are stunned from impact for one (1) turn. Envelop Reincorce: Envelop a creature card, adding it to Resonant Mesh's mass. ♦ Only works WITH >15% metal content (Robots, cybords, girls with piercings etc.) ♦ Resonant Mesh STR Boosted by one (1) point for every enveloped creature ♦ When Resonant Mesh is destroyed, all enveloped creatures are freed with full HP.

no mints selected